Friday, September 30, 2005
tired
isn't it tiring?
to sometimes care more than you should
to think too much
to let your imagination run wild
to let your nose run
heck, just to run.
i'm at home on a friday night for a number of reasons, one, zouk is closed (everybody now, BOOHOO) and two, hung's still in paris, and three, i thought i'll finish late at work so i didn't make any dinner plans with my friends.
i'm a slave to my work. i can't plan my days, and my ending hours are honestly unpredictable... some days are good, and some are just plain crappy. i got screamed at by my london analyst today, and even though i didn't really care (it wasn't my fault anyway, it was a system issue), it felt weird when he called back to apologise.
oh well.
i was on the bus this moring and there was this father-daughter couple that was on the way to school... she was about pre-primary age, and she was just so annoying! she kept on te-ing her dad, and my gosh, that little twep can whine. it honestly reminded me of a old friend i have who never seemed to grow up, still talking like a 5 year old in the high pitched, super whinny tone.
try listening to that for 45min, on the bus, stuck in a bumper to bumper traffic jam along farrer road. tell me whether u don't want to go up to her and slap her.
but then i reflected, and hey, i do that too sometimes! they don't call me princess for nothing. esp now with Mr H, i find myself behaving like a kid when i talk to him on the phone or want something from him. maybe i shld slap myself. (that is physically possible, unlike kicking myself)
damn it lar. i'm just irritated.
anyway, i'll be changing the address of my blog soon... realised that some people that are not supposed to read my blog are reading it. damn... so do drop me a line and i'll pass u the new address!
it's the weekend!
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Revaluations
my bro left yesterday... it wasn't so much a teary goodbye as the previous 2 times, maybe i'm just getting better at saying good bye... but it was an alright one lar, i mean, i know it's part and parcel of life and i guess i just have to suck it in and spit it out.
i hate the airports. i never had an experience in the movies where u see a couple running forward and embracing each other. it's always a teary goodbye... but that was 3 years ago. some who had left came back already and some just have one more year. time flies no?
the last time i was at the airport with k, i felt so sad. i was thinking of the time i had to send him off when it was time for him to go study...and this time i was thinking the same abt hung. i mean, he has to go back someday. i don't envision him staying back in singapore just for me.
i'm starting to think whether this is what i really want... a serious relationship at the age of 21 with the prospect of getting settled and having kids in the next 5 years. what abt my dreams and hopes? can i do all that i want to do in the next 5 years?
i want to travel the world. ok, maybe not the whole world, but i wanna visit europe, the states... i want to work in the financial hubs in london and new york... i want to do my masters and work on the trading floor... can i achieve all these in the next 5 years?
and how abt my friends? i don't think i wld give up my life in singapore to settle in paris, or *gasp* vietnam. firstly, i don't speak the language, my spoken french is so minimalistic that i think a 3 year old can wld dis my french. how abt the support of my family and friends? how can i give that up?
sigh... i know i've thought of these before and forced them to the back of my head... but now that hung's been gone for the past week and going to be gone another week, the fairy tale mist is starting to clear and my feet are slowly touching the ground.
i am starting to think *shudders*
would this even work out? he looked at me once in the eyes and said, "you've got to trust me, otherwise this wld never work out"
it's not the i won't trust him. i believe him when he says he has feelings for me. but sometimes it's just circumstances that force people apart. but we'll see.
we'll see.
the girls and i at phuture a couple of fridays back. just didn't have the time to upload it!
Friday, September 23, 2005
a hard week
this week at work was really tough... i'm starting to wonder whether there's a correlation with how hard my week's going to be relative to how much sleep i get. it seems that there's a strong negative correlation, but i'm sure i have to do more regressions and partial revals to get the exact template my my work-sleep hypothetical model.
yes, i work too much.
it's been a long time since i've updated, mainly cos i've just been so busy with work, too happy with life (i only bitch on my blog) and just plain too tired. but i guess maybe i'll try to make it up with some photos.
let's see... i've been spending my weekends with hung mostly cos well... my weekdays are burnt and he's been away for the past 4 weeks. been spending quite alot of time with the MG girls as well... seems really nice to be back with the same clique, but yet fast forward 10 years later when we all have degrees and licences. come on! last time taking cab was unheard of... today? let's just say MG has brought us up well, to be princesses and queens in our own rights.
Spent last weekend at Dan's place. he had kind of like an open mike/ showcase, and i must say that it was pretty refreshing. who says singapore got no talent? even though i only knew like 5 people there, i had fun... it's amazing that the girls can have fun where ever and when ever.As usual, we took lots of photos, and did some really silly poses, but hey! no matter how successful we each become, we'll always be the 12 yr old geeky sec 1 kids 10 years ago. Unbelievable right? but i kid u not. imagine the thick specs and long skirts. *shudders* indeed, we have evolved.
the girls are all going back already, leaving vic the accountant and me the risk analyst to work our butts off in our cramp little office cubicle. yikes, i hate working life.
had eric's farewell party yesterday for the department at mt faber alvito... nice place and it nice to just sit down after work to chill. work that day was really really bad, but oh well, what to do right, same sh*t diff day.
hung's going to be gone for another week. damn it! here's a pic of us taken at daniel's party. brought the poor chap to meet my friends and well... it just reminded him of how young i was. crap. haha... but he calls me everyday from CHF, but it's not the same as seeing him or talking to him when he's in s'pore.i'm just taking things one step at a time... the future is so uncertain... whether he stays or leaves. and i don't want to be a consideration on his part. i don't want to be the only thing holding him back from finding more happiness. i don't want to be responsible...
i guess i'll take things one step at a time, not being pressureed to think so long term, but enjoy the moment now. i rather by happy for a short while, than forever worrying abt whether it'll last. it's one of those taboo self-fulfiling prophercies.
oh well.
anyway, aaron's leaving tom and that explains the blogging on a friday night. (zouk being closed for renovations has nothing to do with it)... going to miss having him around, but i guess that's life right. we grow up and we move on.
tired... off to bed. this is prob going to be one of the best sleep i had in weeks. *yawn*
Sunday, September 18, 2005
a month on
i am happy... i think.
work's been much better, i roughly can leave around 8ish, so that's ok lar. it's much better than the 11 o'clock nights that i was putting in.
hung was away in beijing and shanghai for the past 2 weeks and he just left for switzerland today. boohoo. but he has been treating me well, and i am happy when i'm with him.
so i guess that's all that matters right?
haven't been updating, sorry peps. i guess when u have someone to talk on the phone everynight, it just seems immaterial to pen them all down on a blog.
most of the uk people are going back already, sob sob... but it's ok. i'll have an all girl session with jing on tuesday night... totally going to groove to BLACK EYED PEAS!!! na na na na na, don't phunk with my heart!!!! woohoo!
Saturday, September 03, 2005
posted some pics below from my recent trip to bintan last week. it was just a good time to get away from it all, with work sucking and me really feeling the urge to recharge. and there's a picture of hung and i as well. just in case u were wondering.
hung and i... just in case u were wondering
beautiful, issn't it
the infinity pool concept
spent most of my time just lazing by the pool
isn't the water just so blue?
finally relaxing, getting a tan!
where i stayed...
all i've wanted
been too busy with work to update. work was horrible for the first 2 weeks, it was so bad to the pt that i really was considering out. but this week has been really good. been able to have approval everyday before 7pm, so that's really really great. things are starting to pick up since the re-engineering of the reporting process and the global-asia split.
anyway
hung and i are alright i guess. he was in beijing this week and i missed him for the first few days, and then i got used to not having him around. he's only back for the weekend, flying off on monday to shanghai and then going back switzerland 2 weeks after. his job entails alot of travelling, so i guess i have to be contented with a guy that's never around.
he's really sweet, and very doting, but there are a few things that bug me. there are a few things, some i can't actually write down because they wld reflect badly, making me a materialistic, shallow, self-centered bitch, but oh well, some other concerns i can voice or pen down.
we're so different. he asked me whether i'm scared, i don't actually think scared is the correct word. maybe apprehensive. how much can we talk abt or how far can we connect if we have nothing in common? we grew up in different continents, opposite culture and definately a different era all together. we're so different, that i feel sometimes that we are just not right for each other. i enjoy his conversation because they are so insightful, like i feel i'm back in paris all over again, strolling along the parisian sidewalks, or have a cafe chaud.
but what can i offer him?! what can a guy his age, want from me? (besides the obvious of course, all guys want thatregardless of age)
i just don't understand what he sees in me. i'm so different from him, very localised, and so narrow minded compared to him. i've lived in singapore my whole entire life. i've breathed, eat and slept singapore air for my entire life. my concept of the world, or life in general is so narrow one tracked. how can he possibly be attracted to someone like that?
of course i have other redeeming factors. d'uh, but i don't see why he's not attracted to other girls. i'm sure that there are many other singaporean girls out there that have my sense of quirky humour. i just don't get it... why me?
i don't say it like a bad thing, i mean well. but... u know what i mean.
another thing is how long is this going to last? or even, how long is he staying? i don't want to go through something and come out crying in the end.
hiyar. as he said, don't think too much. just take one step at a time.
i'm too tired to think abt these things. i just wanna sleep.
it's the weekend.
sleep. recharged. relax.
