well...

tired. mentally and emotionally drained. i'm still not over ry. sigh. i can't believe that he went to get a thai gf. sigh. i'm sad.

yesterday was in school to meet frank for lunch, he's going back to germany on the 2nd, so met up with him one last time before he left. walked past cj koh lib and saw all the interviewees for the law interview and was wondering whether ry made it. was thinking whether i shld sms freddie or renyi to find out... but then if i sms fred, he comfirm tell ry, so that's it, might as well ask ry myself. so i sms-ed him. he replied later saying he didn't and i was, oh, so he's going to notts then. told him that it made his choice easier i guess. no need to feel bad abt taking his parent's money then.

he replied rather late, and i attributed it to him sleeping in camp cos he's forever sleeping in camp. so fine. leave it at that.

came home and slept before going for tuition and was late for tuition. didn't realise that the car was at home so i cld take it to tuition. yay! haha... then while waiting to make a u-turn, i saw the familiar merc, 223 drive past. shit. that was ry... i made the u-turn and caught up to him... damn. reminded me of the time when i saw kc's car and chased it... but oh well... ry was driving and the moron cut into my lane so i horned really loud... but he didn't see me. sigh. saw his sister and gf sitting in front. sigh. i'm sad.

sms-ed him and screamed at him for cutting into my lane and he replied, "oh that was u? where u going, tuition ah?" i guess i was pretty happy that he actually still remembered my "tuition scheldue"... sigh... but then he said that that was his gf too... sigh... that means that he's actually clearing leave to spend with her... sigh. damn it. i was supposed to be that one. i was supposed to spend time with him. he was supposed to wait till my exams ended to celebrate together... and wat happened? sigh...

i dunno. i dunno where we went wrong. i don't know.

sometimes i wonder whether it's cos i've been meeting the wrong guys. or sometimes i wonder whether there's something wrong with me. something that's written on my forehead that my bfs always stray and find other girls. maybe i can't give them wat they want. maybe i can't satisfy their needs or wants. still.

ry... sigh... hh was so insensitive abt it. he was like "aren't u used to it?". urgh. bitch.

spent last night with hh. went to watch zatochi and then went geylang to eat tao hui. yum... and then we went to east coast to just chill. was pretty nice just sitting by the beach and talking... last night really made me think that hh and i are comfirm not compatible. he doesn't have most of the criteria that i'm looking for, and the most impt factor is that he's a very devotated christian. and that's rare. but still. there's some stuff that he doesn't meet up to. i don't feel the same way with hh when i'm with him, compared to ry or kc. he doesn't treat me as well as they do, and ... it's just different with him. everything's different with him.

it's friday night and addy's in phuture. shld i go? but i'm so lazy. i just bathed, smelly nice and all... and i just ran... so abit tired. yawn. think i might just stay at home actually. wah. i'm either growing out of my clubbing phase or maybe i'm just growing old. hahah....

went to cut hair today. damn it joey changed working place already. crap. nmind, got a new stylist. edwin... er, think he's gay... but oh well.. very gentle, i can't really tell how gd the cut is, cos i mean, long hair how bad can it be, but alright lar. maybe i will go back to him. sigh... i wished alvin wld come back from whever he disappeared to. he was my favourite stylist. sigh... even though he was super gay and have the same mango pants as me... sigh...

went to run just now. and got chased by a dog. DAMN IT. i screamed like a little girl man. super SCREAMED. so paiseh! luckily the dog stopped chasing. but still. i hate dogs. sigh. hate anything with 4 legs, fur, and that chase me. urgh.

i'm still wondering whether i shld go phuture. damn it.

tania @ 8:38 PM | |

it's wed night and i've finished my exams.

and i ain't at mambo. er... wat's wrong with me?!!!

guess i'm tired. i'm le tired.... THEN TAKE A NAP! THEN FIRE THE MISSLES.

hokay. tania's crazy.

was supposed to go out with jason today. i can't believe that the ass just won the top prize for the NKF charity draw. wah kaoz. he called me on sunday and screamed and screamed and screamed. today was supposed to go play tennis and shopping, all sponsored by him of course! haha... but then he was sick this morning so the party is postponed. haha...

cleaned my room today, and feeling really tired so don't feel like going there and emersing myself in all the smoke and stuff. urgh. maybe i'm growing old.

hh called today and souded so sweet. urgh. so pissed at him. wah kaoz. was at my place at like 2am plus ready and still don't wanna leave. wah lau. then when i asked him to leave he said that i was rude and all. too much lei. really lor. and then he just stormed off and all. wtf. er... ok. then the next day he was really rude and all... idiot. pls... i don't need a petty person to pecify. come on man. u shld be giving in to me rather than me to u. want to tei??!!! pls. i don't entertain these crap

go away.

went out with jack today. just had coffee at black canyon at serene. gosh. the cheesecake there was the worse i've ever tried man. yuck. urgh. oh well... nmind. bought jack coffee too cos i've not seen him for ages. so paiseh after that went to his place cos i had to pee and his dad was in boxers and all. urgh. opps.

ray called when i was in the car with jack. yucks. told him to buzz off a million times already but he just doesn't understand it. why oh why. moron. someone shld hit him on the head or something. i don't want anything to do with him anymore. urgh. jack told me to tell him to fuck off. but i did and he doesn't understand.

yucks. shudders.

oh, jack let me drive his mazda today. nice. abit unresponsive. but nice... then i came back adn pop brought a new car back from the office. wah, forester man. shiok. begged to drive it one round around the neighbourhood. nice. very powerful. very nice to drive. slurp.

i want....

there's a cat purring damn freaking loud. urgh. bloody thing in heat. damn it. at least someone's sexually active. grr...

last night dy sent me back after sol. nice. he just bought his own car. even though it was second hand car and all, at least he bought it himself, using the money that he earned over the past year. not too sure whether his parents paid anything, but it seems like he's paying the installments by himself. ouch. this i admire. i admire people who build the empire up by themselves. not some rich kid who was born with a silver spoon. nah. i admire those that made a career for themselves. even though dy is a poly grad, he's an engineer and is making a pretty gd salary. nice. i admire that man. and so nice of him to send me home... totally not on the way somemore. nice. finally had some duck with him after so long! grin. nice nice memories.

went chomp chomp on mon after cell with hh. finally ate the hokkien mee. nice nice nice. met sharon there. damn it, i think she thinks he was my bf cos he was touching my hair when she saw me. urgh... and sometimes i wonder whether hh's skin is really really thick cos he can do the most outragous stuff and not feel paiseh. wat the hell... urgh.

oh look. 1am. i'll still be happily bopping to the r&b groove... haha... oh well. i'm going to sleep now. tired. yawn.

tania @ 12:01 AM | |

just came back from "the passion" with pop. initially supposed to bring mummy and pop but mummy backed out in the end. urgh. fly my aeroplane. oh well...

the show was ... good? gory? bloody? ... hum... to me the show was a showcase of wat jesus did for me. gosh. i've always had a nice nice picture in my head of him being crucified, like smiling and all... and i always thought of "unto thy hands i commit my spirit" and "it is done" as Jesus smiling as He says those words. haha. how that has changed man. and everytime i comit myself to the cross, and come back to it and kneel at the cross, it was always a picture perfect moment. nothing like wat i've seen tonight.

tonight struck a cord. not a huge one, but a cord. the reason why i don't feel so much i feel it's that cos i've watched it so late. after everyone has watched it ready, after all the media has been hyped abt it, i watched it when i had the time, after my exams. and i guess after everyone keeps on telling me how bloody and gory it was, i guess i was mentally prepared and desensitised to it... i guess.

how to feel? i sat after the show stunned. pop was embrassing as usual. crap. he's a disgrace to public man... ah... but that's beside the pt. i wanted to bring him to show him wat Jesus did for us. how to feel??? hum... i guess watching how Jesus went through all of that for me? even though i wasn't born yet? i can brush the brutality aside by saying that it's all hollywood makeup, special effects, lights, cinematagrahy. but the essence is there. dying a death like that? hum...

and i was reflecting on wat pastor kong said during service, and was evaluating my faith. he said that there can only be 3 explaination for wat Jesus did. 1) Jesus is a liar 2) Jesus is a crazy man 3) Jesus is really God. yes, Jesus could have been a liar, lying that He is the son of God, lying that He is the messiah. but wld a liar have lied to that extent? to be crucified for a lie? to suffer so much torture for one lie? Nope, no man wld. next explaination wld be that Jesus was crazy. crazy to claim that He is God. but He doesn't sound like a crazy man, he speaks rational things, focuses, does miracles, and up to the last breadth, He spoke sanely. so He's not a crazy man. next alternative. He is God.

this i believe.

i just sometimes my faith wavers, sometimes i ask myself why i believe, why i bother going church and cell and serving ministry? but God has touched me in many ways that i can't run away from Him. i don't wanna be jonah.

and yet, if i choose to walk down this path with Him, that means that i'll be carrying the cross as well. but i guess this time it's Him helping me rather then me helping Him. i need His strength, His power and His will.

=the greatest love a person can have for his friends is to give His life for them=

amen

tania @ 12:55 AM | |

so many things have happened and yet i find no energy to write. hum...

let's just start with the latest... i guess.

i just came back from NUH. after a 4 hr wait. i'm finally back. had to cancel 2 apointments cos i didn't think it'll take that long. oh well. let's just say that nuh docs are cocks. told the doc i got problem breathing and it super mama hurts when i swallow. wat does he do? ask me to pee in a cup and wants to stick his finger up my ass. wat the hell for. so after a 4 hr wait, all i got was, "tania, ur chest xray is fine, we've refered u to our specialist to attend to ur swallowing problem."

wtf.

oh well... guess i'm thankful that nothing else was wrong lar. i wldn't have wanted, "i'm sorry, u have 5 hrs left to live". yea. oh well... but i've been having problems breathing since sunday night when i woke up breathless, shivering from fever on wed night and cringing every time i swallow. urgh. oh well. at least i only have gastric.

HUATEVER.

was supposed to go chiong with hh later but i think i've clubbed enough on wed. and since he's not free for lunch, i called jason out to have dinner and movie. need to chill and catch up with my friends now that my exams have ended lar. aiyoh. tired and think i shld just sleep sleep sleep man. yawn.

wed's game theory paper was alright. generally harder than the 2 past years, but i think i'll do alright. it all depends on the bell curve lar. i cldn't do the discount 1-2-3 periods and the cournot duopoly one. i think my baynesian shld be correct lar... grin. but all depends on evryone else lar. i won't fail or get a C lar... at least a B something. but i really hope i can get my A.

hh finished on tues and he came over at night to give me a good luck card. awah... so sweet right. haha. but retarded lar, cos it was a birthday card and inside he wrote happy hari raya. haha... how funny's that man... haha... but sweet non the less...

after wed paper went down orchard to do my eyebrows and nails. haha. super unglam these past few weeks. really need to beautify myslef. hahaha.,... that's going to be a challanging job man. huatever.

at night went down MS. late as usual... aha... addy and i wanted to go dbl o and drink first but in the end went newsroom cos kai was there. ah...free entry, free drinks. wat more can i ask for man?! grin. after that kai drove us down to zouk, where we went in and totally partied! the bag counter was full and addy adn i looked at each other and went "who cares?". this time being the first time since jan that i came and nothing was going to stop me from having a good time man. nothing.

until i saw ry.

i was super mama high ready and i went up to him and started screaming that my exams ended ready. usually when he sees me, he'll give me a hug or a kiss. this time? nothing. just laughed and waved. then later i smsed him and told him that he better dance with me. and he replied, "can't. got half thai gf here"

wtf

so now comfirm gf ready. damn it. freddie was saying that i was too late, haha... in his spastic irritating tone. haha... but oh well, went up to him at the bar and told him that he was another kc and that i hated him and i never ever want to talk to him for the rest of my life. urgh. so that's that. another end of a beautiful friendship that we had ever since pri 4. best.

then hh sms-ed saying he was outside. so i went out and then when i saw him i gave him a hug. haha... and then i told him abt ry and tried to hold back tears... sigh... he kept telling me to screw the bitch... so yea... so we walked into zouk, and the first person i saw? ry. intro-ed hh to ry and then we walked off. oh well...

mambo was fun lar... and hh actually only drank orange juice and fruit punch cos he drove. wah... said he had to drive me back safetly lor! hahah... awahh... did the same thing i did to ry with the ice thing and he actually responded. less than ry lar... but still. haha...

addy was falling all over the place (again!) and dennis the touchy bugger came on to me again. haha... hh looked like he wanted to beat him up. haha. still.... jarod was there and i can't believe that he still goes man! haha... get a life.

anyway, went for supper at newton, addy had stingray hair and was spreading all the prawn molecues all over hh. hahahhaha... so funny. but after that?! all of us were super mama tired man. urgh. addy plonked on her bed and died, so did hh, at least i bathed first man... felt abit bad cos hh had to send addy back first then me then all the way back to his place again... oh well...

hum...

went for saturday night fever with mummy last night. bought tix to actually surprise ry but then i decided to bring mummy instead. but i told her long before i knew he had a thai girl., bitch.

i'm so thankful that we got there in time cos pop was late coming back to give us the car so in the end he drove us there so we didn't have to park. and then the organisers upgraded our tickets! woohoo! so from circle 2 they brought us all the way down to stalls! haha. yay!!! super lor. the view was really good. the show itself wasn't that good lar. i feel. but at least mummy enjoyed herself!!! haha... nice to see her smile... after all, i've been snapping at her pretty recently. feel abit bad for that. arr... oh well...

tired.

all doctors are morons. complaining to ren now abt it. telling him that he better not be one of those cock up doctors. urgh. going to ask the med students tom abt my adventure. or misadventure.

HUATEVER

tania @ 4:16 PM | |

"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."
- John 8:12

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
-Matthew 5:14

these words resound in my head as a reflect upon the blackout that hit me on tuesday.

i was studying and the light flickered, and then it went out. i blinked as i adjusted to the sudden darkness. crap. my exam's tomorrow. i surried to find my hp to have some light. luckily i charged my hp before. urgh.

lit one tea candle and sat it on my table. even though i paniced and didn't know wat to do, there was a subconscious part of me thinking through this, and evalutating it.

we all need the light. without it we're helpless. and yet, i've been so comforatble that i take it for granted. and reflecting on it, i realised that i've been walking in darkness all my life. it was only when i accept the Lord that i started walking with a candle in the darkness.

even so, i wasn't a very good christian. yes, i admit that i was one of those sunday christians. those that proclaim that their christians, and yet my actions proved otherwised. i'll smoke, i'll drink, i'll do things that i shudder to think abt. and on sunday, i'll just be this holy person for 2 hrs in church.

that wasn't the way.

being a christian ain't abt giving the option of switching on a switch when i want the light. it's abt being one of those energiser batteries that never die. when Christ is in me, i illuminate cos He shines within me.

this i'm starting to learn.

i'm on my way back to coming right with God. even though i've been a christian for the better part of my life, i've only been serious abt it since last year. and even so, serious means going to cell and church. right now, i'm seeking. seeking to know God on a more personal level, breaking down my walls and barriers that i've put up against the outside world so that none can hurt me. seeking for the joy of the Lord so that i can face the challanges of the world. seeking for His spirit to enable me to go through each day, fighting for His word, fighting to do wat's right.

walking from mum's room to my room, that little candle in my room illuminated so brightly that i can't mistake it. it guided my way, let me see in the dark. and i guess in that way, Jesus is the truth and the light. i'm drawn to Him because He will give me sight. sight to see things on a more vertical dimension rather than a horizontal dimension. to connect with the spiritual realm rather than the earthy one.

still, my walk as a christian is a rocky one. one that i'm so tempted to throw away and lead the life as a non-believer cos it's not an easy path to take. why rather live by rules set by the scripture when i can make my own rules, live by my own plan? wldn't life be easier and more fun? rather than think abt the consequernces or WWJD before doing something, why cant i just go ahead and do it?

but i can't walk away. He won't let me. He loves me too much to forsake me. He did die the most humiliating death for me and how can i ever forget that? i can't forget the reality of God in my life. i can't forget the many times when i was weak and i fell down and cried before the Lord and He picked me up. i can't forget the times when i went through trials after trials, and the Lord never stopped holding my hand. i can't forget the blessings that He's given, even though i'm not deserving.

there are many things that i'm thankful and grateful for. His love, His forgiveness, His strength and wisdom. How can i ever walk away again?

it's not that i can't.

it's that i won't.

tania @ 3:34 PM | |

yesterday's econometrics paper:

didn't study much for it. that i can honestly say. i spent 1.5 days pior to the exam studying for it. or shld i say catching up. wah. this mod i totally slack the whole sem cos i have no idea wat the crap mau ge was talking abt. so yes, i'm coming from behind. slept in the afternoon so i cld study at night and guess wat.

there was a blackout.

it always seems like i always knew it was going to happen. i always thought of the wat if question. and considering i've written abt it countless of times in my chinese essays.. hahah... crap. i was totally at a lost. honestly. u cannot imagine the panic i felt man. and somemore kenna scolded by mum and pop for fuck. grr... don't talk abt it ready. went to school, saw alvan and cried cos i was just so stressed.

the paper? erm... i think it was pretty straight forward, as in if u studied and knew wat ever was going on, u'll do fine. but the thing is, i didn't study. i didn't know. i didn't ... anything! everything! urgh. came out hearing the legend talking to robby abt how he thinks one question the answer is wrong. wah kaoZ xia. diff league man. diff league.

stupid invigilators took SO freaking long to collect and organise the scripts. hh was waiting outside for me... i was one of the last few to leave the hall and he came up to me and i think i was pretty mean lar. i just looked at him, didn't say anything and then i started screaming. urgh. guess he gave me the "don't shoot the messager" face... but still.

after going to the ultra smelly toilet with addy, shiyi and jiojin, i came back and continued to scream at him again. haha. poor chap. addy left to join hippo man and to prepare for macro i guess. hh and i walked off to yih. on the way there, i just continued to scream scream scream, and then i looked at him... and then he said that his paper was fine. opps. i totally didn't ask him how his paper was man. i just started shooting off how crap mine was. urgh. at that moment, i felt really bad. and then i gave him the cold shoulder at one pt by walking away too, giving attitude, then i realised it... and then i felt really bad. opps.

he gave me this little hug to kinda cheer me up. er... it stopped me screaming lar... for like 5 seconds...

had a drink at yih with him, and i saw terry and started screaming again. urgh... and then terry pulled me aside and asked whether i was with hh. NO. and then while walking to the seat, i saw nic and he asked me whether that was my bf. NO. damn, 2 people in a row in less than 5 mins. urgh. i think maybe i'm hanging out too much with the bugger.

had a pretty intellectual conversation with him. haha... then he said that if i had that with kc...*snore*... haha... the way he did it, it was funny lar. but he's just like all AC guys that i know. he does come across as a tad bit arrogant. perhaps i'm used to being around AC people, or maybe i'm one of them that it doesn't seem too apparent to me, but alvan feels it too. sometimes the things he says aren't very sensitive or nice... but i guess he doesn't really mean it in the condecending way... still.

*humph*


today's macro paper:

oh, let's not talk abt it. before walking in the hall, alvan said, "anyone who talks abt the paper after is a chee bai". kevin walked out of the hall saying, "anyone who talks about IT is a chee bai". hahah.... that was funny lor.

woke up this morning to do the mcq's that yunbai posted. adn that's when i paniced(?). i cldn't do a single thing man! all the formulas i didn't know which to use and all. crap! total disaster man. i sms-ed robby and HELP!!!!! rushed to school, met them in earth and started screaming and jumping around.

babby was in a super pissed mood. who cares. she finishes today lor. wtf.

the eusolff hall was NOT AIRCON-ed. it was so freaking hot. and i tel lu, today was like 36degrees or something. wtf.

the paper was terrible. the whole of the essay question i cldn't do. that's 45 marks. and when i say cannot do, i mean cannot do. URGH. luckily i came to school to see robby, cos quite a few mcqs came out. so in that sense. yippi yay. but STILL.

i don't wanna talk abt it.

went for a swim at the club to shrug it all off. haven't ran for er...2 weeks? felt pretty good to hit the water again, like old times. my form is no where NEAR where i was... but it just felt gd to glide through the water, felling my arms burning, gasping for air... and later smelling like chlorine. urgh. the disgusting smell.

is there anything else i'll like to scream abt? hum...

talked to ren today. seems he and char are getting along fine except that her parents hate him. oh well. at least mum and pop are just glad he ain't gay. hahahah... but he does sound happy so i'm glad that he found someone over there to take care of him. happy if everyone i care abt is happy.

happy? =P

tania @ 12:27 AM | |

yesterday's m&o paper:

i think the paper was generally harder than the previuos years. so much for powering through the lecture notes, text, and past year papers with hua hui the day b4. come to think we were so confident. grr. there was nothing that we prepared came out. how? crap. it wasn't that good considering i didn't finish question 1. didn't even know wat the cock they were asking. damn. then the other 2 questions i copied from dishan's tutorial notes. lucky i loked through them in the morning man. ouch. prediction? b+? anything less than that i'll be disappointed lar. on the fact that our project got A and all. crap lar. maybe i shld be more realistic. hum... ok, anything less than a B i'll be sad lar. damn it.

came out of the paper sulking and hh kept on calling me a duck cos of my pouted lips. hiyar, watever lar. went yih to drink something and relac before going home and start on financial. must say that i'm starting to enjoy his company even though he's abit embrassing to be around with sometimes. or rather most of the time. hiyar. guess i need someone there for me too lar, so i guess the both of us talking to each other mutually benefits us. he'll calll me b4 he slept on sun and mon to wish me good night. awah.... (i can hear albin ready to laugh)


today's financial paper:
i thought it was alright lar. if u did the past year papers and understood everything in the lectures and tutorials, it's a very direct paper. the thing is, i did! i really was laughing at the questions man. then i was so worried that everyone can do also, so that makes getting an A even harder. damn it. BUT, coming out of the paper, i checked my answers and found that i screwed the black scholes one. DAMN IT. 7marks man. that wld be my "break it or make it" marks man. if i don't get my A i'll kill myself man. come on, THEY GAVE THE FREAKING FORMULA. wah kaoZ. and like that i still can get wrong. wtf....

this was the module that i prepared first for. the one that i knew that i cld make it. the one that i did well for midterm, and CA. if i don't get my A... i'll scream man.

hh says i shld have realistic goals. that way i won't be disappointed in the end. but then... wat's the pt of setting realistic goals? i might as well set high goals and aim high rather than set goals that i know that i'll achieve in the end RIGHT?! but A is realistic? i think so. i don't think i'm that dumb. come on, i'll been acing exams my whole life until the As. i can't be that stupid right. if i put in the effort. shld be can lar.

so yes, i shall go take a bath now, and prepare for econometrics tom. that one not really confident, but i think shld at least get a C+? but that will still suck lar. wait...let me pump my effort up... shall go at 5pm and bathe. talking to ren now abt his gf. apparently her parents don't approve.

hum... i hate relationships.

tania @ 4:27 PM | |

i woke up at 9.22am yesterday, and well... there goes my plan of going macs for breakfast at 9am with addy. haha... called her and told her i'm sorry and i'll see her in school later. haha... so i got my sorry ass out of bed, took a cab down to school. yawn.

studied in the library until abt 1.30 and then took my financial stuff to go for consultation after lunch. had a super huge plate of cai fan man... urgh... first checked my answers with robby then went for consultation with gamini. he's pretty friendly man! haha... pretty nice. and after that, addy went back to the lib and i went to the canteen to go find robby again. haha... and i parked my ass there till dinner time again while all my stuff were still in the lib. when i finally decided to go to the lib to get my stuff, i met addy along the way. haha. yay... so then there was a dinner break when everyone talked cock and all, then continued to do work again.

i had a whole table to myself in the canteen, and it was just opp the guild house, so from where i was sitting, i cld see the sea, there was a nice breeze, and i was directly under a florencence tube. so yes, it was a really good spot man. though i didn't really finish my macro, i did finish all the lectures and readings, i'll leave the tutorials till the weekend or over the exam period. crap. i'm so bloody unprepared.

even though i didn't eat dinner, i wasn't really hungry till abt 10plus. so i tahan and went to get milo at like 12 plus, and then satish came back from fongseng and he got me a milo too. so nice! and albin was sms-ing me asking whether i wanted food as well. gosh. i really have friends that care. and it was pretty nice to sit there, studying with my md on, enjoying the breeze and taking in my macro stuff. i really hope i do well for it this sem.

i kinda give up on my econometrics. right now i'm like at a F stage. i've not totally touched it, and i think even after all the work i'm going to put in later, i'll be at a C stage. crap. u know i calculated that if i get 4As and 1D, my cap will still be 4. wah. so that's what i'm gunning for. really hoping that i can do relatively well for my other subjects. i really wanna do well this sem, but i didn't really put in the effort. how lar dey?

hh came to pick me up at 2.45 to go for supper. idiot was supposed to come at 2 lor. make me wait. at least i had daniel and natt to keep me company. it's alright if i had some one to accompy me there. guess it can get pretty lonely there. or scary! whichever comes first lor... haha... anyway, i was pretty cheesed off that he was late, but then again, he did come to fetch me home. so alright. was pretty tired in the car, was talking like the soft soft kind, and he was talking to me in the same way.

it didn't seem like 3.30am when we glanced at our watches. al amin was still crowded and both of us had kimbeng soup. was hungry but wasn't that hungry at the same time. i dunno lar, i guess talking to hh after a whole long day of school was relaxing. and i guess while i was studying, the thought of going for supper was really motivating me on. hee. more like i had a ride home. haha... natt calls hh the choir boy and the gang kept on singing some spas chinese song abt his name, hwa heee o hoi or something like that. WTF mate.

after he sent me home, i took my bath, wanted to go online to just check mail, but the modem was in my mummy's room so didn't wanna go in. and then when i checked my hp, hh gave me a missed call and there was a msg, "crap, i just got in an accident".

oh crap. i called him back but he didn't reply and i sms-ed him like a million times b4 he picked up my phone when i called again. shit man, i felt so bad. if he didn't have to fetch me home, he wldn't have gotten into an accident. crap. so i listened to how some guy smashed into him from the back. his car had scratches, according to him it's not that bad but pretty obvious, and the other car's headlights were smashed. oh crap. he sounded quite crappy abt it. i felt so bad. urgh...

anyway, i just woke up at 2pm. best, there goes the whole day now. need to photocopy some notes from rbr but when i went yesterday the spas counter had already closed. freak. and today lib closes at 4.30, so the counter closes at 3.30. damn. i think last resort i have to wake up early tom morn, take the car to school and then be back by 9am. crap. xian.

ho-kai. it's on to econometrics today. hopefully i can finish the spas irritating module today and at least get my C+. i hate stats man.

tania @ 2:27 PM | |

i am bloated.

i just had tau hui and like half a box of cornflakes. adn i do mean half a box of ho ho frosties. urgh. started to feel abit sick man. Ewww...

i've finished 2 chapters. wah. nothing to be proud of at all ok. NOTHING. i'm so going to die beyond belief. crap. still got tutorials to look through and pass year paper man. CRAP. how how brown cow.

rachel's apparently not doing well. erm,.... how?! tuition kid not doing well, can always drop her lor, but it's rachel. somehow she's connected with every single person i know, hau hui being a really big one. crap lar. that's why tuition kids shld always be about business, it shld never be abt friendship. haha... crap lar. i stopped jessica ready, told her i'll continue next thurs. but rachel? i've got to see her this sat. urgh. crap. i hate giving tuition, but it pays well, and since i'm hard for money... sigh...

next week i've got 4 straight papers. urgh. m&o, financial, econometrics and macro. crap. i think my econometrics die liao lar. URGH. how?! can tabao or not?! crap lar.... that one i really scratch head lei. urgh. i think my m&o shld be alright. financial also. macro need to pia for the next few days lor. urgh...

i hate studying man. really honestly hate it to the core. crap.

tania @ 12:07 AM | |

today was unproductive. as unproductive as singaporean couples nowadays. crap.

i spent the whole of yesterday thinking that it was unproductive. today however, i came to the conclusion that yesterday was wonderful. haha... was supposed to start macro yesterday, but in the end did m&o cos spent the day studying with hua hui.

the night b4 we talked on the phone till like 6?! crap... and then we came up with this mega mama plan of meeting at kap at 9am and power study till11pm when they close. so yes, i woke up at 9am, gave him a wake up call, and then both of us agreed 10mins of sleeping more. and this continues until like noon when we decided that it WAS time to get up. haha. so much for our mega plan.

anyway, studying in kap reminds me of mgs days. saw a few mg girls prancing around in our usual style. the loud voices, the shrill laughter. oh well, guess some things don't change. and then i saw the ac guys, baggy pants, tucked out shirts, gelled spikey hair. yes... some things just don't change. looking at the mg and ac kids, hh and i were reminded of our old days and we chuckled to ourselves as we saw those "kids"... those were good times man.

left for tuition at 7 for rachel. and was supposed to come back and continue to study. urgh. after tuition, i went back to get the car and then drove back to kap. studied for a while before going for dinner and then it was off to school where we continued studying till 3plus. wah. that was tiring man. and i'm saying that it was unproductive cos the amt of time i spent studying, i cld have finished the whole syallbus, but i'm short of a few chapters. oh well. but at least i studied. today i didn't study!! crap/ slept most of the day away...

after studying, we went to "johor". this place near hhi's house that's apparently damn chill out. haha... it looks like something from johor man. really true to it's name. haha. by then the both of us were super drained, and we just sat across the table looking at each other with the same xian blank look. urgh.

after spending the day with hh, i came to the conculsion that... he's a pretty cock up guy. haha... and he's a man of many talents too! while i was studying, he drew a caricature of me. haha... and even though it doesn't look anything like me, i must say that at least he can draw. i can't even draw a straight line man. yes, and he can sing too. kaoz. didn't know he and bryan had they own band and stuff. ry had a band, but hh has a cd cut man. wah... that's something.

yes, so i did enjoy studying together even though i didn't get much done, i got more done yesterday than i did today lor. crap. ok, maybe i shld go somewhere where there's no bed and computer to distract me. hey, i already switched my hp to silent and my comp was hardly on today. anyway, there's something bloody wrong with msn and i can't get on. cRAP. but good also lar. later get distracted again.

i'm starting to wonder what's going on with hh and i. hum... i wld say we're friends, cos i treat him as one, but for his side... hum... i dunno lei. it seems awfully weird to me that someone wld go out of his way to send me around, talk to me on the phone till wee wee hours in the morning, suggests to study together and all... but i mean, the bugger JUST got out of a relationship. and i don't forsee myself going out with him anytime soon. come on, he's abby ex. wah... going out with him romantically would mean that all the crap i professed to jing abt never going out with our friends ex-es would be bullshit. oh well. but according to my radar... he does seem to be OVERly friendly. hum... but i guess it's flattering when he can remember things abt me that i causally say or do. haha. that's when my raised eyebrow poker face comes in. haha. handy xia.

so how brown cow. anyone here doesn't know wat a cow is?

the plan japan?

a nun walks in a bar.

crap. i am so screwed for the exams. i really wonder how i did it in sec school when i cld sit down for hours on end to just study. wah. if i put in as much effort i did then as i do now. i'll be yunita man. i'll have kopi woth the dean every sem man.

i'm supposed to attend hh's church on sunday for easter. hum... it's not one of the things that i REALLY wanna do considering everyone in his church kinda knows me, either as rachel's tutor OR his friend. hum... not good. i wonder how wld angie feel if she saw me with him. not too gd man. it's like me seeing kc with tahnee. urgh. some more they broke up like...3 weeks ago? that's still fresh pain man... nope, i don't think angie is ready to see him with another "new" girl.

urgh... ok, luyi just came online, and she's bitching abt how msn is down. haha... and she's consoling me with regards to ry. urgh. he's an ass.

tania @ 2:02 AM | |

i have finished ALL my m&o lectures. WOOHOO.

i honestly think that btw my tuition kids and david wan's english, my english is going down the drain. i caught myself today AGAIN in another grammartical mistake. damn it. i need to speak the queen's english. eyerr...

anyway, slept at 6am. watched another lecture after putting down the phone AND was rudely awaken at 9.30 by pop. apparently i had to go to the temple for qingmin. crap. i hate doing that. so i pulled myself out of bed, didn't bothered with the contacts, changed into rather short shorts and a polo tee. damn i wanted to wear a spag top but i think pop wld have flipped seeing too much skin. urgh. but hey, it's damn hot in there man.

dropped alex off at tuition (lucky ass) and then we all went down. apparently mama moved house AGAIN! aiyoh. no more at chinatown there, but at geylang lor 8. wah kaoz. wat a place to be resting eternally man. anyway, i knew EXACTLY where it was, it's opp. the tau hui store, but i didn't wanna say anything in the car cos i wanted to sleep. crap, i'm forever the one designated to be the "navigator". sorry dude, navigator didn't have enough sleep. too tired.

so when i opened my eyes...wat did i see... i was parked in the carpark of hotel 81 orchid. hahah... one place that i ain't wanna wake up in man. oh well... walked out onto the streets and i immediately knew where i was. luyi and i walked here the last time she was back. was just interested to see the geylang nightlife. haha... recognised the building where there were a row of china girls just waiting to be picked up. eyerr... then i remember guys looking at luyi and i funnily. haha... fred and renyi both took us apart and held onto our hands to "protect" us. haha. oh well... nmind...

SO ANYWAY... the temple. aiyoh. it was smoky, as usual... just sat by the window and tried to breathe in fresher air. it's relative anyway. but the only thing that i considered worthwhile was.. haha... ALL of my relatives said i lost weight!!! hahahah... and one even said i grew taller. hahah... feeling abit guilty now cos i JUST chowed down cha siew noodles... but! hey, i do run 3x a week even though i'm talking a 2 week sabadical cos of the exams. nmind, come the 21st. i'll be a running gym freak. yay.

looking at the alters and the number of erns in the place, i really wonder whether this is wat life is abt? wat's the pt of honouring someone when she's passed on, when u never really bothered abt her when she was alive? ok, i MEAN... well... mama passed away when i was pretty small, so i can't really remember how good her children treated her, but... yea, wat's the pt of honouring the dead? it's better to treat them gd when they're alive right. so yes, i shall treat my parents better. hold my bitting tongue and give in more.

and then comes the question of the after life. well, i believe that i'll be in heaven with Jesus, sitting on His left hand side, abit far away though. but still... i know i'll be in Heaven cos that's wat i believe. and i've questioned myself countless times what if i made the wrong decision... wat if, the jews were correct? what if christianity is all a hoax. but the testimony of wat God has done in MY life stands out. it has affirmed my faith and seen me through my struggles and obsticles. the miricles that i've seen God doing in MY life and in MY friends lives leave me with NO choice than to believe that there is some higher being, and that this path that i've choosen to walk down is the true one.

i can't wait to watch the passion. cindy went for the preview and she was giving out posters during service. but then there wasn't enough so liz said she'll give me hers. yes. hahah... so now there's a poster of it on my wall, and everytime i look up from my bks, i see it. hum... that's good i guess...

anyway, penny called me now. kinda slamming me for not going for cell tom. crap. ok, shall go entertain her.

then i NEED to bathe. i still smell of joss stick. eyerr

tania @ 11:13 PM | |

just when i thought that there was at least one good guy in the world...
just when i let down my barriers to attempt to love another again...

i've been proven wrong. my null hypothesis stands.
Ho: all guys are jerks.
H,: not all guys are jerks.
by conducting t-test (tania tests), f-tests(fucker tests), i conclude that all guys are jerks and that my null hypothesis stands.

URGH.

i can't believe my ears today when i was at sam's party and brendon came up to ask me who ry's new girl was. WHAT?! i thought he was making fun of me. face flushed, flashed my innocent face and smiled at him and asked "eh?"

"i heard he's going out with some thai chick"

WTF. my heart kenna stabbed a sharp jab. taken aback. luckily my poker face came in handy and i tried to dish out as much information as i cld from brendon. damn it. how can he go out with that girl?!!!! urgh. angry...

-~- ...

ok, just got off the phone with hh and it's like 4am. wah kaoz. anyway, he made me feel better abt ry. ok. he's just being an ASS. urgh. but feeling better.

back to david wan.

tania @ 12:27 AM | |

i told myself that i'll be good this sem.
i told myself that i'll do my work religiously. attend lectures, do tutorials, do assignments.

and yet, i find myself, 10 days before my first paper, sitting in front of my laptop, watching 7 whole 2hr lectures of M&O. crap.

considering my first paper is on monday, 12th April, and it's M&O, i shld treat it as revision. yes, i'll listen attentively, take down notes as my revision for the exam. ok. this is my revision for the exam. it's amazing that i can take a module, not attend lectures for it for 12 weeks, have NO idea wat's going on. i've only attended the tutorials, done my project and subject pool, so that wld give me at least 20% right? yes, so now's the time to fight for the other 60%? haha... how to when the exam's only 50%? haha... or is it?! aiyar, who cares.

just finished my 1st round for financial. lec notes, tb, tutorials, and past year exam papers. ok. good. at least one down. today and tom m&o, mon-wed macro, thursday-friday econometrics, and then sat-sun m&o. ok. that's my plan. sounds like a good plan japan?! ok. good.

i hope i can get 5As. haha...cap 5 si bo?! haha... not impossible lar. if i really want to i think i can make it lar. but will i? will i continue to slack? to sleep more than i need? to just not go on msn telling myself it's a 5min break but stretches for 1hr... ok. self-decipline is the word. yes, i shall be a good girl that tania has to be. yay. good tania's in the house. come 21st april, 11am, the bad, wild, crazy tania will surface, but for now. guai tania is here to stay.

watching david wan on webcast now. haha... he's super funny man. gave him a gd review in the review. haha. he's funny lar. bird fever. haha... plsssssss....

i'm now apparently known as the girl who got banged in the car. best. babby told me that suphain told her that. damn it. oh well.

spent last night studying in bizad from 2pm. yawn. had a "Study date" with hh to power study all the way till 3am! haha... but too bad, we left at 1 plus cos he wasn't feeling well. it was alright studying with him lar, just that i think it was a bit distracting, but i guess i'll be more distracted at home with my bed, computer and tv. but it was alright, i think even though i didn't finish wat i set out to, it's alright cos i think it was really quality studying rather than quantity. as in, i really understood and applied wat i learnt for my financial module.

the thing is, hh and i met alot of people we knew along the way. babby and the rest of the gang was at arts canteen, but i didn't wanna go there... so even though we were at bizad, we bumped into a few of our friends. and then i don't know whether i'm sensitive or wat, but they all gave me a funny look. like "u ain't angie" look... sigh. i don't wanna be known as the 3rd party or the rebound girl. or even a look mna. hey, i'm just there at the wrong place, wrong time dude.

hh looked pretty shacked, first time see him with eyebags and shacked. we've been burning night oil and chatting over msn during our breaks. but i dunno lar. yesterday was pretty nice "bonding" time, when we did share some jokes and talked abit. had dinner at sushi tei at hv. haha... saw this lobster being butched alive man. crap. felt so bad for it. i think we were making a whole load of noise in the place, but oh well... haha... four star souvenir shop... haha... he bought me dinner cos he refused to let me get my wallet from the backseat ..spaz.

yum... mummy just back from ikea and bought me sweddish meatball. yum... haha. i only had a pear for dinner cos pop finished all my food cos he thought i ate ready. so i guess mummy felt back that i had nothing to eat. haha... but it's alright. had a pretty heavy lunch with my babby and terry. haha... first time in a long time i had cai peng man... haha. tasted quite good actually... even though most of the stuff on my plate was green... haha....

ok, onto second lecture of david wan. hahaha... he's such a funny dude man.

tania @ 8:17 PM | |