Sunday, January 30, 2005
woah.
i'm actually studying!! *applause* *gasps*
haha... yes, and i'm actually seriously sitting down and studying man!! haha... ok, maybe it's just cause i've got a test every monday and that means that my weekend is burnt studying... but hey, at least it's better than going clubbing every weekend and drinking myself silly right.
i decided to go church yesterday... so much for me saying that i'll take a break and leave... but hey, i decided to go, not cos i had to, but cos i wanted to! and guess what? i was rewarded!! haha... i really enjoyed service, the fellowship with my friends and the sermon was great!!
yes, i realised that i can't give up... cos He didn't... “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” -matthew 26:39 so yes, He didn't give up and so can't i.
and it's amazing how things are starting to look up. really. i've got an interview with barclays soon, hopefully i'll get the oub interview, and another jp morgan talk coming up. things are looking up.
and luyi is coming back this week!! woohoo! so friday is set, we're going to zouk/phuture/velvet and shake our booties... this week is great man... i've got a pedicure on tues, facial on wed, career talks on tues and wed, fri clubbing, sat-sun SA Tan's party at pan pac, sun some filming for ah koh... woohoo, this is a BUSY week man... and then, it's CNY!! haha...
ok, i'm just abt set for my test tomorrow... er... almost...
Friday, January 28, 2005
You'll Find Love Where You Least Expect ItYou're the type most likely to find love... surprised?You shouldn't be! You're a fun, independent woman who is always out and about.And you're smart to sometimes leave your girlfriends behind and go it alone.Men love to approach you when you're out by yourself - including Mr. Perfect!Where Will You Find Love? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. |  |
i obviously had too much time on my hands doing all these stupid tests... haha... and i really think that they're retardedly wrong
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Thursday, January 27, 2005
how abt that? i'm bad....
You Are Bad Girl SexyGirl, you are nothing but trouble. And that's hot.You've got the classic bad girl sexiness mojo going on.And you're badass attitude makes men fear you - and crave you.Don't give into people who say to tone it down. You're perfect as is. What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-)Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. |  |
i had a great time last night... so this post is dedicated to that one person that made me feel so much better.
thanks for being there to listen to me when i know ur busy, and ur advice really meant alot to me!
i sat in ur garden, the newly renovated outdoor which i've only seen, but never actually sat in... we slouched on the couches, and we just chated. the only other sounds other than our voices was the soothing water sounds from ur koi pond and the rotating ceiling fan.
believe it or not, this is our first actual serious conversation.
yes, i did consider our conversation last night serious.
and i really value ur opinion and encouragement, because, u know what i am going through... well... almost all at least.
ur maturity level surpasses your age, and i am thankful that i have pple like u in my life, or neighbourhood! haha... yes, and it felt nostalgic as well... 7 years ago, i would be coming over to ur house every week for cell, and since then, we've become more or less more friends than neighbours.
i honestly never spoken to anyone abt the stuff we talked abt last night... whether we're right, what's in the afterlife, and why believing just isn't enough... isn't it? but you gave me new perspectives to look at things, and u spoke to me without belittling me.
you showed concern, not because i was ur cell member, but because i was ur friend... and that meant alot. usually i just get people talking to me because they have to, because they feel responsible for me... but u... just cared.
and thanks for praying for me at the end of everything... it is a long steap climb out of the valley i know, but i'm comforted to know that there are friends like u that i can count on.
so yes, david, thanks for everything. i appreciate it... alot
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
i just filed for graduation.
that's it. i filled up an electronic form, classified all my modules, and hey presto, my name is on the graduating list of sem 2, 2004/5. i am graduating class of 2005, ARS3, majoring in EC.
that's it?
what i've been doing for my whole life? study study and study just to get this piece of paper? yes, the paper chase in singapore is diff from the paperchase at borders or london.
this is it. i am graduating... in 10 weeks at that. how abt that?
i walked into labour ec class on tues and my friend was like, "wah, so late ar, thought u dropped the mod ready... oh i know... u ORD mood ready!"
haha... which is quite true... i think it's more like clearing leave mood. haha...
but seriously, 6 yrs of pri school, 4 of sec school, 2 in jc, and 3 more in uni... that gives me a total of 15yrs in school... and yet, have i learnt anything in school that is going to prepare me for the corporate world?
suddenly i feel so small, so unprepared for the working world. hey, having 4 suits, 20 collared shirts, 10 dress pants, 8 A-lined skirts doesn't exactly make me prepared to work ok. it was just an excuse to buy clothes!! haha...
yes, i am graduating in 10 weeks.
it's scary ain't it?
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
i just came back from watching "shall we dance"
IT'S SUPER GOOD!!!
i'm such a huge fan of richard gere, and who better than to watch it with mummy?! haha.. yea, went for a 7pm show at cine... damn, forgot that there was ERP man. shitttt...
anyway, the show is really really good, but then again, i like these kind of shows... the romantic comedy kind... yay... i'm such a sucker for these stuff.
it was nice, to be out and have fun... yay... and forget abt things for awhile...
for all my friends that have called and ask how i am, don't worry i am fine... just want to be a hermit and retreat away from all u guys for a while to find my bearings and collate the ramdom thoughts that have been flashing across my brain...
but i will be fine, cos i am a survivor... haha... yea... i will ... survive... or at least i won't die lar...
Sunday, January 23, 2005
i forgot how a breakup feels like.
the words get stuck inside ur throat, and u just feel helpless. the words u imagined saying over and over in ur head just can't materialise into words.
and that's how i felt yesterday.
i sat there, and He was just sitting there quiet... listening to wat i have to say. when i finished saying what ever i cld in between sobs, He turned his back and walked away.
we are on a break. i will not go to church or cell from today onwards until i can decide what i want to do with my life, set my piorities straight and settle this in my life.
i can't feel you, how can there be no feelings involved when we are in a relationship?! it's not my right anymroe, it's my responsibility?! what kind of cock is that.
it is my right. God gave me a right to choose, and this is my choice.
i hate you. i hate the way u left me when i needed u most. i hate the way u turn silent when i cry out to u. i hate the way people around me do not understand me at all.
renounced faith?
atang datang
Saturday, January 22, 2005
what has happened?
where have i gone wrong?
what have i done to make u leave me?
as i sat in the crowd today and yesterday, i didn't feel a thing. He was there, but i cldn't see him, i cldn't even feel his prescene.
i've lost my faith.
even after i cried buckets... crying out for Him to show me his face, to hear His voice... nothing.
zlitch.
i made a decision then.
i decided to leave. it wasn't easy... it was turning my back on all my friends that i've made over the years being there. it was leaving the relationships that i've tried so hard to build up and even harder to maintain.
it was a hard choice.
but as crazy as it sounds, i felt much lighter. i really really felt better. much lighter, like a load's been taken off my shoulders. i really felt much better.
crazy right.
so much for deliverance from acceptance. i had peace from rejection.
this new found freedom is weird... i feel... i don't know...
let me sleep on it then i'll see....
Friday, January 21, 2005
OMG. there is a crystal jade la mian at HV.
i nearly crashed my car while driving past in, cos i was doing a little dance. haha, YES! i hope it's 24hrs too, so if i have a sudden craving for my xiao long bao at 4am at night, i know where i can go.
anyway, i actually woke up at 8am for tuition today. damn it. i hate teaching. esp that little twirp. grr.
going to be at church camp today evening to sunday evening. sigh. why must i even go? GRR. i hate going there and retreating and just keep silent and wait for God to appear. arh... as much as i grapple and gripple abt it, i'm sure something extraordinary will happen.
yea.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
today i sat at the bus stop for 45mins.
DAMN
it's so irritating to just sit at the bus stop and see the jammed packed 151s just roll past... sigh. why can't i just get a car and drive to school? sigh.
anyway i went for my first soci lecture in ENGINE LT7A!! GRR. talk abt the irony, who ever herad abt an arts mod in engine? do u get to see an engine lec in ARTS? GRR> spastic morons.
anyway, i sat in the lec, and i was easily the oldest there. sigh. i'm a year 3 in a year one body... and i'm doing 3 level 1000 this sem too! shit. prepared to go into class, sit next to a made-up-short-skirt 18 yr old girl. sigh. talk abt immaturity...
maybe it's just a territorial thing. or maybe a superiority thing... haha.
who cares.
i'm senior. go away
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
i have finally sat down today and studied.
come on... clap louder. i deserve a wild applause man.
anyway, sat down and studied my first lecture, Topic 0, Industrial Organisation. aye.. it's bull shit lar, if i didn't know that stuff i shldn't be yr 3, graduating class of economics major.
but guess wat? i actually went to take out my micro 1 text to refer can?! haha... oh my gosh. i am so rusty. my brain has just died and went to bali for a holiday. gosh. i need to brush up.
i was looking at the notes and was just thinking that if alex suddenly comes over with his JC econs notes and ask me for help, i might not be able to help him balls. sigh. talk abt being embarrassed.
so yes, i need to go commit to memory what's the difference btw keynesians and montarist, why are indifference curves conves to the origin, the graphs of production... sigh... so jc man...
but then again, i dropped econs in jc. oh the irony man... u shld have seen how the two heads, chem and econs were fighting to make me drop their subject. haha... well... i choose econs in the end. ironic huh. think mrs poon might just freak and die if i go back and tell her i'm majoring in econs.
oh well.
going to watch aviator now. guess with who?!! i'm going to watch with my mummy!! haha... yes, bringing her out and watching a show and lunch at sushi tei!! woohoo. some girl bonding time... though she is a bit doubious and will try at all means to avoid walking near zara and mango. haha...
oh, i'm not sure if i wrote this down but, my new year resolution is to not buy any clothes this sem!! haha... can i stick to it?!! hum... haha... but will try... it's the 3rd week of jan and i've so far not bought anything, so that's great!! haha...
alrighty time, family bonding time.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
the milo truck is back!!
yes, and the forum is back as well... the bazaars are back, and it seems more like the nus i know... it seems funny that things always go in a round, with alot of transitions in between. but hey, we all come back to the same pt, and live the lives that we always did.
i came to realise that my stint at db had made me somewhat dis-illusioned. for the whole of last sem, i was out partying with them on weekends, and not really caring abt my schoolwork. as a result, or shld i say my punishment, i did rather badly for my exams.
but yes, i am only 21. i am still an undergrad... i'm not some high flying trader that trades in billions and earn a 6 figure salary. i am still in school.
it took me a whole sem to get back to the earth. i can't live the life that i thought i had, because i never had it. i thought i did... i had a chance to live that life, but with my rejection letter, my dream disapppered.
it's ok. i'll just start somewhere else... the climb up might be longer and harder, but don't u think that victory wld taste so much sweeter later?
someone said i sound like those power women in cosmo who have had a revelation on their womanly strength. yes, my trip over in london has taught me something.
i am who i think i am. i'm not made whole because i'm part of someone, i'm not any less if he says i'm not. i shld not be-little myself just because i'm not good enough for him. i am as good as i think i am.
so yes, this is my final sem. i want to do the best i ever did this sem... and considering my best sem i had 3As... damn. i really got to work hard this sem balls. but it's ok. victory will taste so much sweeter.
oh a lighter note, i finally got down to using SK11.
i woke up the next morning, expecting to look like sammi cheng. haha... obviously that did not happen. sigh... so much for miracle water... guess even miracles have their limits eh. haha... but i don't know... i'll just use it and hopefully i'll be able to see a difference in a month's time.
oh well... this is my last sem. let me make the most of it.
Saturday, January 15, 2005
where do i stand? where do i belong?
i go on with my daily life without a purpose. seriously. it seems like i've got no direction, no aim. what's the pt of going clubbing every friday? what's the pt of meeting friends to drink and drink and just talk cock.
is there more to life then this?
i'm starting to feel really xian. xian of life, xian of the things that i used to consider important in my life. what is important?
as i grapple with what i am going to do in the coming months, i also tackle the fundamental question... why am i here? what's my purpose?
it's no pt if i go out with bern and ramesh and the rest to chiong every week. bern told me today that i shld hang out with people my own age... sigh... playful rejection perhaphs?
but i don't have any friends my age that i can hang out with... don't count all those that are away studying... i don't have any other swinging single girlfriends that i can count on...to call out when ever and to do watever...
big sigh.
i was telling rui that i can so imagine attending everyone's wedding while i'll always be the one helping out in the backgroud... always the bridesmaid, never the bride... sigh... why isn't there a person out there for me? are my standards really that high?
it's prob the time of the month where i feel sorry for myself and wallow in self pity and blah blah blah... it's either that or the "i'm-so-fat" or the really bad pms when i wanna kill everyone in a 1km radius.
sigh... where's my prince charming? where oh where?
Thursday, January 13, 2005
it seemed weird.
today as i sat opposite u, we had nothing to talk about, with akward silences and glances towards the sky... i guess we always had something to talk abt, work, dr tan... or just bitching abt the office people...
but today was just ... akward. maybe it was me... or maybe it was just that we were tired. he had a long day, and i was running all over the place... well...
or maybe we just never had anything in common in the first place. we were always more relaxed in balas or at clubs or supper or the taxi home... the silence we shared was always masked with the loud jarring club music, or the drinking games, or the just, "i'm sieeee" quiet...
well, it's different u know, if i go out with addy or with ah koh, the silence is ok cos we are so comfortable with each other... there's no akwardness wat-so-ever...
sigh... don't think i'll be going out with him any time soon.
soon ann just asked me why i wasn't attached...
cos guys are jerks. period. i've not met one guy that hasn't brought me to cloud 9 just to throw me down just as soon. i've suffered heartbreaks more than i shld have and i just don't want to put myself out in that position again.
i've tried making the first move, and look where that landed me... has that been a year ago?! i took a gamble with the friendship i had with him, and i lost. i lost a friend, i lost a buddy. damn thailand.
i've tried being faithful, giving him everything he wanted... even the fun he wanted outside... i took him back again and again, until i just stopped crying for him... i lived in my deluded bubble, and yet, he still has a hold over me... damn japan.
i've tried just working at a relationship, but was just turned away. cheated, used, discarded. damn taiwan.
so yes, i've had my fair share of misses and hits. but i never really felt that i wanted to be with someone... i always had some guy in my life, even if their manhood is challangened by sexy g-strings and they're metrosexuality.
so why can't i be self sufficient? why can't i depend on myself? why am i only considered a whole if i'm a part of something?
guess i'll start settling down and/or hitting the panic button in 2-3 years time... but not yet... i still wanna have fun.
still looking
still breathing
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
how about that?
i met with niraj today... i had memories of him terrorising me and aure abt pul and call options, but guess wat? he's actually very nice.
met him at starbucks capital tower... just sent him my CV and we just sat around talking abt what my future career options were. he was nice enough to meet me.
and wat was i doing at for the 2 hrs to prepare? well, frantically finding the spot rates of usd/sgd, usd/yen, euro/usd, gbp/usd... sigh... it was just a sit down and sell myself session...
so what now? my options are now broader... he has offered to speak to HR and see whether i can get away with a year or 2 year long internship at jp. that way, i will get the experience, and see how things go from there.
it was nice lar, wasn't that intimidating. but i guess i need to relax more, i think i was too tense. but it's my life!! oh no... in 4 months, 120 days time, i'll just another statistic for the unemployed population in singapore. sigh.
so let's see how things go... i really hope that something can swing by my way...
Monday, January 10, 2005
i am tired.
today has been a long day, having had a 4hr lec from 12-4 and then another lec from 7-9. 7-9!!! ridiculous right?! it's amazing cos i've never EVER considered taking a module that wld end so late, but i guess i've got no choice. real estate finance seems ok. got picked out of a cohort of 300+ students to stand up and answer questions.
how nice.
anyway, so now i finally got 5 modules, but the thing is, that stupid real estate thing cost me 600+ pts!! grr... how stupid. now i only got 100+ left, with a 1000 odd in my program account. how retarded is this?!!
anyway, i really hope that throughout this week, pple start dropping out of some biz modules so i can take them. crap lar. i've been bidding and bidding and i still can't get anything. aiyoh. i really hope that i can get something else so i can drop geo... that way i can get away with 2 S/U options and only 3 examinable ones.
sigh. this sem sounds already like a killer. my days seem so long, my hours are madness and there's totally no time for me to go out and party.
well, that's if i want to party lar.
think i'll be a good girl this sem. no mambos, no friday phutures. i need the extra time to settle my things, spend time with my books.
sigh.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
got a new blog skin. yay.
the pictures were taken on my recent trip to london, paris, nice and scotland. didn't want to include any pictures with me in them cos well... i'll just be so small after i collate everything... why bother.
so it's just places that i've been to, seen, and thought enough of, to take a photo of. the places over there is really pretty and i do hope that i'll have a chance to go back in the near future.
hope the new skin agrees with everyone. if not... well... lan lan suck thumb
all of us... dinner at summer house at pan pacific, and drinks later at the atrium
he's a lucky guy
the guys and soon ann the birthday boy
Saturday, January 08, 2005
damn it, i got out bidded!! shit. mfb.
how to grad like that, and it's not even my major man!! it's some stupid elective mod that i can't get. how to grad like that?!!!!
angry.
but of course, i'm happy.
celebrated soon ann's bday today at pan pacific. gosh. he's 27 lei... and i just turned 21. aiyoh. anyway, the buffet spread was fantastic. it was REALLY good man. food was superb. and then we had drinks at the atrium below... was really good. think i drank abit too much for a come back after a month's absence... but it was fun just hanging out with them.
went down to bar none after that. the db people were there, got to catch up with kee, bryan, and bern. i guess out of all, i'm the closest to bern, but oh well. i shldn't even be hanging out with them right... since i didn't get the job... but i wld say that they are valuable contacts if i wanna be in this industry...
was just thinking that i cld consider being a broker, get some experience, do my masters and then try being a trader again. why not? it's a longer way, but if it gets me to where i wanna go, why not?
oh well. now that i got my comp back, i will start sending out my applications. xian. i hate finding a job. urgh
Friday, January 07, 2005
ok. finally uploaded pics of my trip. there are much more of course, but here's just some if u wanna take a look
stayed with kim
christmas eve dinner at my brother's place. super good food man!
last day in nice. we ate SO much ice cream!!
in nice, the beach, very pretty
last day in nice
on top of monmarte, view of paris
best ice cream in paris. or at least that's what the guide book says
lourve
arc de truimph
cone head? fine. i shall stop acting cute
default picture?!! i have bragging rights now!!
14th dec, MY 21st BIRTHDAY!!! woohoo!
dinner at wepler, best restaurant in monmatre area.my first couse, the freshest oysters i've ever had!! (ok, this is not a very glam shot)
moulin rouge
eurostar to paris
ice cream while watching scrubs
my cousin and i.
my cousin, being that the sport that she is, posed for a nice shot
we didn't get the pressent that we wanted!! justin's place, he bought christmas crackers!!
camden market. magic mushrooms anyone?
