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Personality cocktail
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tania @ 1:40 AM | |

my bro's back.

and he told my mum that i danced on a bar top. oh haha. how nicee.

tania @ 10:50 PM | |

i have been treated unfairly by the nus library staff.

they are IDIOTS.

come on, i had to go down to the library to renew my books personally. comeon man... wat's their prob?! there's no one on the waiting list, and i had to do it myself?! damn it. and i had to wake up early on a saturday to do it. damn.

the library staff was super unfriendly. and it didn't help that i didn't know where the hell the library was. it's so super under renovation that's it's rediculious to go over the place to find the enterance. yes. ridiculous.

had to pay my fines which amounted to $7.50. damn it. i hate wasting money. piece of crap. urgh.

and i had to walk really really far from where ever to where ever. damn it. my foot's more swollen and it hurts really really badly. ouch. ouch., ouch.

tania @ 12:54 PM | |

my foot's swollen. damn it. all cos i jump down from the bar top.

yes, i...danced on the bar top just an hour ago. and yes, i think i made a fool of myself. oh well... but it was nan's last day so we decided to go crazy. like really crazy. haha... oh well... but that's a story for later.

well, this whole week nithin is away and i can't do the work that he asked me to do. how can, when my MCGuru was down?! come on... and ramesh only fixed it on thursday and i only learnt how to do stuff on fri. come on. so i think i shall rush it on monday when i get in. damn it. more work.

so anyway, today was laura's and nan's last day and the EM side bought dinner at steamboat at some place at tiong bahru. not bad. good food man. i wld really had wanted to eat more, but oh well... can't seem to look too greedy can i? damn.

so after that we all headed down to boat quay, went to b-q-bar. the brokers were all there so they paid. wah. that's the life man. nice. brokers always pay man! haha... that's one thing that i learnt man!!! haha... the music was really good and i taught everyone how to play the ba-zhi-ma, hei-zhi-ma game!! haha... and the 5-10-15-20 game too! haha... fun man. it's the first time i've seen all the interns dance around man!! haha... it was really fun man

and then bryan and bernard went on the bar to dance!! haha... i think laura took some incriminating evidence on her phone!! haha... and then nan and i went on the bar top to dance too. haha... ok, i've left out the part on how i had to drag, carry her to the bar and then bargain with her as well man!! haha... yes, but it was indeed worth it. i wld have never done that with my other friends. hey, i was wearing a skirt man. that was weird. i had bryan to kinda help me up... but when i came down, i just jumped, cos i didn't wanna zao-gen... so yes, that's the story of my swollen foot. it's really pretty huge and horrible. and it's pain!! that's the worst thing!!

anyway, lynne sent me back. lynne's this broker that's only 22!! wah. that's great eh?! i kinda envy her lifestyle, though i don't really think that working at 22 is fun at all man. woah. dunno lei. but she's a really really nice person. grin. happy.

anyway, so that's the past 6 weeks at deutsche. it's been really fun and i can't wait to visit nan and laura in thailand man! we are going to party and shop like crazy man!! yay! yippi yay yay!

i'm happy. but right now, i think i better sleep. gotta send nan to the airport tom at 11 plus. grr. that's early man. yawn.

might upload my incriminating evidence of me dancing on a bartop if i can wrestle it from laura. hee.

tania @ 3:23 AM | |

that's a pic of all the interns.

brought the thai girls to eat geylang beef kway tiao. yummy. and tau hui too...

*yawn* i'm tired. sleep sleep

tania @ 10:10 PM | |

damn i'm tired.

i'm in a freaking bad mood man. and i mean FREAKING. was in such a horrid mood that i left work early. walked around and then was going to take a bus back when i was "hell, i'll just take a cab".

came home, changed into my running gear and went for a run. decided to torture my body man. ran by the side of the road cos i didn't wanna run in dark rifle range road. so there i am, running, lungs bursting, legs breaking, pushing myself further adn further. ran up to ngee ann, crossed the bridge, and ran back. damn it man. when i was at kap, i gave up man. i died-ed. and i mean DIED-ed.

i've not ran in 6 weeks. that's a far cry from running everyday b4 working at deutsche. damn man... yawn. i'm aching already., i can feel it. but i feel good. it's the good kind of pain man. that's the way. push my bod and get a nice ass to prance around the office. apparently the guys look at all our asses. no shit!

i look around the office, and i really think that bryan is going after shiqi. and i think that shiqi is using that to her advantage. damn it, how come i don't have any office scandals?! shit... sigh... bryan is like doing so much for shiqi man. it's not fair dude. sigh... oh well, that's just cos i don't have a nice rack and a nice tight ass like thomos. hu? haha... right. but i guess my networking just has to do lor. sigh.

vishal is really cool. but the dude smokes too much though. and he drinks like a fish as well. sigh... and i think i've irritated ramesh too much as well man! haha... but it's ok, cos all of them think i'm underage!! haha... oh well... that's good i guess. considering i need to ask them alot of shit. and everytime i see ramesh, i give him this wide grin and he knows that that's trouble man! haha... but it's ok. enjoying myself.

just got paid today. a whole whoopi $2.6k+!!! haha... i have no idea how they came out with the figure man... but it's either too much, or too little man! yea. was trying to figure and dabble with it, but i can't seem to get that amount correct. haha... but oh well. if they want to pay me that amount next month as well, i have no objections man!! haha... whoopi!

money is always good man!!!

tania @ 11:12 PM | |

i finally realised how to upload photos online! woohoo.,

after angle fire have been down for so long, i've finally found some other web site to host the pics for me. yippi. *jumps and squeels*

these are some photos taken at breekos when luyi came back and we had coffee on tues.


luyi and i


fred ,luyi and i


pointing?!!!

tania @ 10:24 PM | |

just came back from church. had to do duty onh sat and sun this week... it's alright. david's parents gave me a lift home. nice guys man.

read leo's bk in the office cos i was so bored. it was SEX and God's opinion. woah. it's a really easy bk to read, finished it in like an hour or so. well... that was insightful. i read of pple that have fallen to tempatation and all, and i think that it'll never happen to me. but how can i be so sure?

yes, there are times when i was tempted. and i didn't run away. i kept telling myself that i cld control myself and i wld come out stronger. why put urself in a situation when there might be a probability that u might fall? it doesn't make sense. why play with fire.

yes, i have virgin ears. that's wat the office pple call me, just cos i'm the youngest on the floor. haha... it's pretty funny sometimes, but is tolerating their jokes make me seem like i'm putting myself in an environment that is viced-ful?

sometimes i do wonder whether i'm ready. i mean... i have been in comprimisign situations and have blurred lines with my own eraser. i make my own rules, bending them as and when i wish. i'm like the pigs from animal farm. oh ha ha. why make rules when i'm going to bend them? they will break sooner or later. or why live by rules predetermined by someone else?

but i can't. i live by God's rules. i have a whole bk to live by. WWJD... well, for one thing, i'm sure i won't find any reference to zouk or centro anywhere in the bible. sigh. sometimes i just wanna have fun, but i'll end up feeling guilty in the end. sigh. WHY?

maybe that's y none of the relationships have worked out. and why i was never happy. i never enjoyed things as much as i should have, and i've not done as much as i wanted to. but i cldn't. there was this guilt feeling in me. sigh.

at least i feel guilty? haha... here i go with my pocket eraser and go making all my rules.

tania @ 1:43 PM | |

just finished my fifth week. woah. time passes so fast.

had an ice cream break with shawn today. he's really nice. hee. oh well... hum hum... but not christian lei. aiyoh. nmind. tom will get to see jerry. whoopi.

how's work? hum... it's fine i guess. rather confused abt my project though. wat's gd if a model is if it can't be used to make money?!! sigh... how? let me think abt it later.

super tired. going bar none later. with the office people. super happening eh?! wah.

tom got church. and got to send mummy to some changi chalet at 9am. damn it. 9am?! ridiculous?!!!!! oh well... nmind lar... fun also i guess. yea right... yawn.

feeling pertty lousy abt renyi, but i guess nmind lar... nan said it simply that "he's so stupid". wah. so nice.

i dunno lar, don't wanna think. don't really have coherent thoughts now. sigh... oh well...

tania @ 9:39 PM | |

i should have known better.

apparently that's what he thought. wat kind of a sentence is that? that's crude. that's horrid. how was i supposed to know better? how can u treat me this way?

i told myself that i didn't want to lose u as a friend. i told myself that i can't take another kc. i told myself that our friendship meant more than anything in the world. was i blinded? blinded because you're been my friend since i learnt to cry? been there for me since forever? did i trust u too easily? but how cld i, when the trust i had for u was built up over years?! ...

i'm speachless on how u cld have said those words. i'm seeing a new side of u, but it's not as if i've never seen it before. but i just never expected that it wld be to me. how cld u treat me this way? so i was really for fun. how was i supposed to know it was a game? was it obvious? did u give me the secret wink that i missed? how can u play with me and chuck me aside? ...like i mean nothing.

hearing those words... it stabbed. everything stood still. the words resounded and reverberated. it echoed through my mind and every syallble hit a new nerve. it hurt, no doubt. and i nearly teared.

now i'm sitting at my comp... staring at the screen, thinking of the past things that we have done. those moments when i had to think of wat was going through his mind, wat cards he was playing... was it all a front? i can't believe i was game.

this isn't a game.

i hate games. maybe cos my psychomotor isn't very good. i don't catch balls easily. i'm not good at stick games either. court games? nah, not my type. wet games? been doing that for eons until i'm bored.

maybe there's a high correlation between these stuff.

i'm sure the pain will go away. it smarts. but i know it will go away. but this just leaves me to reflect on myself. did i actually throw myself at him? did i let him think less of me? did i have a part to play in this game? or maybe i just didn't have good cards to begin with. i shldn't have shown hands.

i'm listening to the radio now. there's this song with the guitar and some guy singing. he sounds like how ry wld sound like. i miss his voice. i miss his ellloooo. i miss the retarded things that he wld say, and the way he wld cheer me up.

when people bully me, i know where i shld go. i know who wld be there to cheer me up, to be two steps in front and a step behind at the same time. but when that person is the bully... who do i turn to? who do i have left?

~*~
i look back at my entries, and this was exactly on the same date, and amazingly the same time. *gasp* i'm not kidding. shit. it's a tueday too.
~*~

tuesday 9th march 2004

came back, called ry at night and cried to him. he just listened patiently, tried to consol me and then played me a song on his guitar... yay.

Man of the Hour

Tidal waves don’t beg forgiveness
Crashed and on their way
Father he enjoyed collisions; others walked away
A snowflake falls in may.
And the doors are open now as the bells are ringing out
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.

Nature has its own religion; gospel from the land
Father ruled by long division, young men they pretend
Old men comprehend.

And the sky breaks at dawn; shedding light upon this town
They’ll all come ‘round
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.

And the road
The old man paved
The broken seams along the way
The rusted signs, left just for me
He was guiding me, love, his own way
Now the man of the hour is taking his final bow
As the curtain comes down
I feel that this is just goodbye for now.

He has such a nice voice. the minute he stummed, sang... i stopped crying...just listened to him... i think i'm honestly falling for him... and i can't help it...

~*~

he used to dry my tears. now he makes me cry...

tania @ 10:54 AM | |

sometimes life just sucks lar.

u think urs sucks...but there are people out there who are really worst off. hh's friend's dad just died of a heart attack. damn it. he was running on a tredmill and he just suddenly collasped and died. shit man...

i think i need to enjoy the finer things in life. i need to relac. whether in one corner or not, it doesn't matter. damn it.

today jason surprised me by coming to the office. he brought me cake. haha. sweet right? hee. but i totally have no feelings for him lar. he's a friend. simple. but it was a sweet surprise lar. pretty sweet. but the cake sucked man. and it was to apologise cos he pang sie me last week. twice!! damn it. come on. buying tania's forgiveness isn't so cheap one lei. making tania angry is a bad thing man... and very expensive as well! haha...

yea, i shld look on the brighter side of life. it's good lar. makes me smile more, less wrinkles too !! hee...

ok, time to sleep. they made me sit on david lynne's table. that's scary man. the horrors. damn it... haha... nmind lar. the weight on authority is on my ass... haha

tania @ 11:34 PM | |

I GOT INTO AN ACCIDENT TODAY.

there it goes, a whole year of a clean record. all gone. flew out of the window. damn it. oh well...

was driving to orchard going by the back way. passed clemenceau ave north and into cainhill when i was trying to filter into the next lane. there were alot of cars coming out of the CTE and i had to slow down. and while i was travelling really slowly this car came from behind and banged me.

i honestly didn't know that i got banged. i thought i hit a road divider or something. but then i looked at mum and she was like "shit, u got banged". i think i was rather blur man. shit man. i immediately got out of the car to inspect the damage and all. i saw his silver honda odessay was pretty badly hit. the left side of his car was totally smashed in. then i started to look at my car. and i cld see nothing. nad i was thinking, hey, my bumper so strong meh?

grr...

anyway, that guy's an ass lar. he initially offered to pay for it. he said to send it his mechanic and he'll pay for it. then after that he apparently called mummy and told him that he's going to claim his insurance and i think he started to blame us for watever wrong that we did.

ass

i really didn't do anything wrong!! and i have mummy there to vouch for me. and she's defending me so at least she knows i'm gd.

but...

but...

i still feel horrible.

tania @ 11:35 PM | |

just came back from having dinner and drinks at paulana's. it was the farewell "party" for the indian interns. gosh... i can't beleive that just 10 weeks ago, they were like us, going through the exact same shit that i'm going through. wld i survive another 5 weeks of this?

indeed i'm learning alot. and i'm thankful for the opportunity... and i can't think of any other hting that i wld love to do this holiday. wat other better way than to get employed by the top investment bank in the world? this is amazing. i'm given a one in a million or rather 1 in 400 chance of doing this internship and yay... i'm stuck with brillantly brillant people man. aurelius is married and on the deans list. shiqi is freaking smart. i've got a german guy on my excel help desk, 2 MBAs from thailand and shawn from ntu.

all of them are really smart and i'm just bugging every single one of them everyday. i think i'm really getting lazier and lazier every single day! crap! oh no... i'm totally zoned out by 5pm man... i really need to think adn start doing shit properly... and not add to more shit.

weekends are so important nowadays. yawn. and anytime that i can be alone with my thoughts, it's fantastic man. i need it. just some alone time. just i-love-tania time. need to pamper myslef man. totally need to relac and chill in one corner.

damn it. i can't sleep late tomorrow. i've got a dentist appointment.

oh... luyi's coming back on mon!! woohoo! so excited. can't wait.

think nan's coming to church tom. yay. going to get DY to sit next to her to try to talk to her in thai. hee. just maybe help with the things that she doesn't understand. yaya. and hopefully she'll be able to go out for dinner with my family and i. really interesting. just get her to meet the family and stuff. shld be nice. i dunno how it's going to be, but i think it shld be aright.

i'm having so much fun with nan. honestly. she's such a cutie. damn it. i wanna keep her in my purse. tee hee.

tania @ 12:13 AM | |

the pimple's better.

getting there. getting there. and josephine is FOREVER on leave. damn it. why?!!! my eyebrows are RIDICULOUSLY out of shape it's funny. haha... oh well... nmind, will go down tom to do it.

brought nan and laura to HV to try the katong laksa. they said that they like it. yay... and then i met pastor there. so amazing eh?!!

i'm starting to think what does God want out of me. where does he want me to go?! what does he want me to do?! sigh. i really dunno. and i believe that my walk with God ain't good, but at least i try. at least i know i'm on my way to something right?! sigh. where does He want me to go? sigh... sometimes i wished things cld be simpler. like God could blatantly tell me things, like write it out in stone or have a booming voice over or something. but then... what kind of walk would that be? it'll be more of dictation right?

if i want to find out more, i have to seek. and in this, i will lean closer and learn more yea? this is the building of a relationship. the desire to know, to seek, that's the difference in Christianity. the more u want to know God, the plans that He has for u, the closer u have to draw to Him. so i guess that's another reason why He doesn't just hand out His mighty plans for us. and i suppose that there's the element of free will in that stuff as well. but i'm sure He already knows what we would choose right... so i guess... sigh...

sometimes i wished i had a crystal ball. that would make things easier. or a magic 8 ball... hum... but at least i got a direct line to heaven. how cool's that?!

oh, sms-ed kc today. asked him out for dinner. hum... and he replied back some stuff and then he accidentally replied me this msg, "dude...we need to talk. ive been doin some serious thinkin the part few days.. can i call u later at work..?"

wah kaoz! wat kind of msg is that? sounds like a breakup sms man!! something i heard from him before and something i heard from others before and something i've said to others as well. wah... haha... got me thinking abt him for a while... but i don't think i shld lar... was thinking how long ago things happened. sigh... why. why. why.

i'm thinking abt jerry... sigh... grin. and he just said that he wanted to volenteer to do tuition. amazing right?!!! wah kaoz!!! he amazes me man!! i like............

tania @ 11:23 PM | |