i seem to have more fun with a 3 day week than i ever had.


the weekend was packed. really enjoyed myself everday. it's pretty lucky that i cancelled my late night activities on wed and thurs. oh well. at least i stayed at home and did some work. ok, at least i tried.


friday was a pretty packed day. woke up real early to go for training. it's crazy! i think i'm going to die on tues. damn it. die ready. i'm just going to drown at the 50m mark and not going to come back man. that's it. i'm dead.


K.C.


had lunch with kc. even though it's been so long... at least we're friends. i guess that's the only thing i can be thankful for. that we're still friends, it wasn't weird talking to him. we're pretty open and shared quite alot.


it seems like old times. though he looked rather gay in his grey pull over. eyERR.. oh well. at least i can say that he's more open to me now, and i think that we're just meant to be friends. i don't have any ill feelings towards him... history is history. i don't want to lose him again as a friend.


my friend the model @ zouk


went to zouk at night to support fred for his virgin catwalk at zouk. met renyi there for the first time since after the exams. now, that felt weird.


the thing abt renyi is that he behaves that nothing is wrong, but i know him. he's just avoiding me. it's not fair. we're been so close, and i've poured my heart and soul out to him... he has seen my in my weakest moments and have helped me up. and yet... after we've been though all of this... how can he do this to me?


how cld he have hurt me so badly?


"i don't want to hurt u, i don't want to make u cry"


even though he tries to act normal, i guess we're just civil. we're poliet to the extent that it's ridiculous. i can't say that it's entirely cos of his gf... but come on. things cld have been different.


"i thought you knew. we were playing with fire and it was just a competition to see who wld get burnt first"


prick.


anyway, fred was damn gay. but the models were damn gd looking man. slurp. i look at all the girls and i wonder whether i'll ever get down to that size? it's ridiculous. my goal for 2005? to be that hot ang moh... haha... yea right. in my dreams man... she was hot. i might have had a slight erection. hahahaha...


phuture was too young man. i felt like someone's mother there. was bumped from the back by a couple of guys that looked like they were 18. *phu*...


walked luyi out to the taxi stand and i saw him.


HE was with a girl. i didn't get a look at the girl, but i looked away when i saw him. our eyes met but i looked away... he said hi. well..........


it was weird. i think he was stunned. i was stunned. but then again, that was his flavour of the week/day/night? how cld i have stooped to his level? i was dumb. maybe i shld dye my hair blond.


but jeff and alex are really brothers in every sense of the word man. i feel disgusted by the way he goes around flirting with other people but then again, i prob fall in his category as well. i don't think it's right that he goes around with other women.


wat has the world come to? i told bern that it wasn't fair and if all the guys are like that on the face of the earth... no way am i ever going to get married man. no way.


i'm not going to let my hubby go out and have a guys night out man. bull shit. they'll just all be at velvet or tian ah men. yikes.


bern sent me home as usual and we spent some quality alone time in the cab back. the times that it's just the two of us are really sweet, but that's only when we're alone.


Pan Pacific


we got a suite! damn it, i've never ever stayed in a suite before!!!


it was cool. it was like engyee's birthday cum jerry's farewell. jerry brought his ice wine. slurp. that was nice man.


basically we just sat around drinking and drinking and drinking.


it only got interesting when all of us were tipsy and started playing games. but still... there was "truth or drink"


the moment of truth


some choose to drink, some tried to hold out until they cldn't drink any more and had to tell the truth.


i guess i ain't that bad!!! hahahaha...


but i cld see jerry and soon ann doing some mental calculation on my age. haha... and there were a few eyebrows raised definitely.


but i wasn't that off. just that i was really tired from drinking and partying at velvet the night before.


i think i shld give alcohol a miss for the next few weeks. gotta clear my face. my pimples are all coming out man. urgh.


but the worst was that i had to say jerry to one of the answers. aiyoh..... paiseh man. i don't 'know whether they took it seriously or anything. but i'm thinking that i don't think any thing can work out. it's just that we're very different and yet, quite similiar.


perhaps i'm too immature. maybe. he's 26 and i'm 21. he's been sailing and has seen half the world. i've seen er JB? haha... oh well. i think it's just fun to hang out with them.


how?


think i shld buck up and start studying! damn! haha... shit. better get down to some gd work man.

tania @ 2:36 PM | |

have u ever felt like the shittest ever?


and i'm not just talking abt pms-ing.


i'm talking abt serious depression. no more thought-ed.


think.


life sucks.


i feel so drained, as if i just go to school cos i have to, not that i want to, or even feel the need to. i just go cos... it's a rountine.


wat else can i do?


damn bored. damn xian.


so much readings, so many tutorials.


i honestly feel like i have no friends. i was packed this whole week, with tonight going out to watch a movie, tom watching another one and on fri zouk.


today's cancelled cos my friend crashed his car and he doesn't want to go out w/o it. tom's cancelled cos of miscommunication. and fri is still on lar... i think.


guess i'm thankful for the extra time to just sit down and study. don't think that i've been doing that since school started.


yea, i've read a few bks just for general reading, and i've kept up with the biz times and ny times, but still... school work wise, i'm nothing.


zlitch.


urgh.


oh, and being fat doesn't help.


addy says it's pms.

tania @ 7:55 PM | |

i can't believe the spade of bad luck i'm going through.


feeling in the dumps lately and this has to happen today.


damn it.


the day wasn't gd. it started off bad. like REAL bad.


and then this.


and just after a few months.


yes, i, the smartass,


rammed...


the car into a wall.


D'OH!!


URGH. i'm so super pissed at myself that it's not even funny.


i feel like giving up.


i'm this close to throwing in my towel. not to renouce you, but to just slide back.


where have u been? where were you? why have u left me?


i can't feel you, i can't hear you, i can't see you.


wat keeps me going is that i have people cheering me on, pple's expectations that i can't let down further.


my back is turned 90 degrees. i'm this close to turning 180, walking in the opposite direction away from u.


my life was fine before i met you, nothing's really changed since i met you, so i know i'll be fine w/o you.


who's going to fill the void then?


but if i can't even feel u now, there's a void now. so there's no diff whether i turn away.


i'm still deciding.


i'll send u and email. u're high tec right.

tania @ 12:40 AM | |

has it been that long?


5 yrs since i've met u, 2 yrs living our own lives in diff continents, 3 yrs since we first knew each other, 2 yrs since it ended... and last night as we talked, i felt the walls come down.


i confided in him. i had to. he was the only one who knew me enough to help me.


what was wrong with me? he was the only one that had an answer for me.


we chated on how he failed his driving first. cocky bugger thinks he can drive. wooHO. so mostly i had to consol him.


then it came to it. it felt so hard to open my mouth the say the words, to ask for a listening ear, a crying shoulder and to just ask him to hold my hand and pull me up.


but he listened. and as he promised 2 yrs ago, "no matter wat, whoever bullies you, i'll be there. we're friends for life"


maybe i sounded pathetic and he listened, but i didn't care.


things were like they were b4 we got together.


he mostly updated me on his love life. i did feel a pinch of jealousy, but hey, it's been 2 yrs! just for old times sake i guess.


and though i don't approve of the things that he does now, wat matters is that he didn't disappear this time. he did stay. albeit far away, but still... stayed.


we're going out this week. i've yet to decide a day. he has to fit into my scheldue and not the other way around. i guess it'll be good to see him, though old feelings might come back.


and i'm driving. hahaha. was then, still am.


is he worth the friendship? after wat he did i shld have shot him down years ago. after wat he did twice, i shld have kicked myself in the head. stupid tania.


not too bright eh.


but alas, SOL was enlightening. learnt alot. didn't know that DY was attached man. damn it! i think i shld assume that everyone is attached unless proven and not the other way around. maybe that wld be a better strategy. haha.


tired. didn't do jack shit for the past 4 days! damn a 3 day week. urgh.

tania @ 12:07 AM | |

has time ever stopped?


it seems like there's only one person in your focus, only one person's voice that drowns out the rest.


the background fades into oblivious, and ur attention is drawn to the person standing beside you.


u blush, u try to hide it with playful shyness. but there's no denying that u're growing hot.


thank god for dim lighting.


you try to fish out more information, but there's none. you feel like digging a hole and hiding for your stupidity.


so much racing through your brain, u're more conscious of the words to say and the things u do.


and then reality hits.


it's impossible. there ain't no way this can work out.


wat ever happened is history. i'm just another girl.


and that sucks.


i called the only person that cld make me feel better. but he didn't pick up. i'm not sure for watever reason. but i know one thing for certain.


it hurts.


it feels like a hundred trucks have ran over my body, and that i'm slowly being eaten away from the inside out.


he turned and waved as he walks out of the club.


i'm not sure if i hid the surprised expression on my face.


time stopped.


my heart came crashing at the floor at free fall speed. it hits the floor with a clash that reverberated throughout my head - it sent tremours throughout my body.


it's gone. all's lost.


there's only one loser.


i've lost the most important thing. my heart has smashed in a million pieces, super glue can't help anything.


i'm lost. i truely am.


i feel like i lost a battle. i can't fight anymore. i give up.


i lost.

tania @ 1:57 AM | |

maybe 3 days of school ain't the best of ideas.


but the thought of having an extended weekend is enough to keep me on cloud 9. haha.


just doing my tutorial and my readings for international econs. damn, i've forgotten everything that i'm supposed to know. oh shit. gotta buck up. no more holiday mood.


maybe the extended weekend is a double edge sword. because i know i have 4 days to do my work, i will procrestinate and not do them! oh no... haha... well...


ok, on more light hearted things..


the new batch of freshies are... not bad... got a lot of cai!! haha... i can just sit in the canteen and look at all the cute guys that are well... fresh! haha...


and there are ALOT of angmohs exchange students. and they are all, and i mean ALL *slurp* material. i met one the other day and i must say that he looks like brad pitt. very nice.


but then again...


was out with addy and alvan yesterday and we sat at starbucks talking... alvan told me that it's almost been 2 yrs since i've been attached.


has it been that long?


why not i ask myself?


maybe cos i'm concentrating on my studies, and my wld be career.


according to the both of them, i'm picky, choosy, and very fussy.


but am i?


i can't help it if i have standards set for myself and i'm not going to comprimise anything below that. wat's the pt if i bend my expections and have exceptions for certain pple... like that i'll be going out with every tom dick and harry.


but then again, i might just shoot myself in my leg and grow old with 11 cats.


alvan said that i only have interest in guys that are either rich or goodlooking. now, that's a statement that i resent.


that statement not only sounds materialistic, but it reflects what kind of character i am. i can't help it if it was a coincidence that ALL the guys that i've been out with are either good looking or rich.


hey, i've been out with guys that are neither. and i have had romantic feelings for those kind as well. so there u go, i ain't a material girl.


so this comes back to the question on y i'm SBC. simply cos i'm Single By Choice.


who needs someone to hound u, to answer to?


as it is, i have enough on my hands. i have so many responsibilites and i have to answer to so many people. i don't need another psychotic, possive bf to stress me out futher.


and yet, there are times when i'm just so sad or simply just europhic that i wanna share these feelings with someone. it's only at night, after i turn off my lights, and lie on bed reflecting on the day that has passed or my life in general, i miss the times when i had another half.


i guess it's a 2 way street, a give and take.


yes, i'm single by choice. i know that there is someone out there just perfectly designed for me. and there's a part of him that's missing as well, and only i can fill that void.


and since that's my belief, why comprimise and settle for anything less? or waste my time on other guys when i know that nothing gd or concrete can come out of a passing r/ship or a fling...


i shall be patient.


the right one will come along.


either that or... anyone got lobang for cats?

tania @ 2:02 PM | |

What the modern woman wants


A 15-year-old Singaporean, Amanda Chong Wei-Zhen, from Raffles Girls'School, won the top prize in the Commonwealth Essay Competition that drew5,300 entries from 52 countries. Her short story focuses on the conflict invalues between an old woman and her independent-minded daughter.


THE old woman sat in the back seat of the magenta convertible as it careened down the highway, clutching tightly the plastic bag on her lap, afraid it might be kidnapped by the wind. She was not used to such speed. With trembling hands she pulled the seat belt tighter but was careful not to touch the patent leather seats with her calloused fingers. Her daughter had warned her not to dirty it: 'Fingerprints show very clearly on white, Ma.'


Her daughter, Bee Choo, was driving and talking on her sleek silver mobile phone using big words the old woman could barely understand. 'Finance','liquidation', 'assets', 'investments'. Her voice was crisp and important and had an unfamiliar lilt to it. Her Bee Choo sounded like one of those foreign girls on television. She was speaking in an American accent. The old lady clucked her tongue in disapproval.


'I absolutely cannot have this. We have to sell!' Her daughter exclaimed agitatedly as she stepped on the accelerator; her perfectly manicured fingernails gripping onto the steering wheel in irritation.


'I can't DEAL with this anymore!' she yelled as she clicked the phone shut and hurled it angrily towards the back seat. The mobile phone hit the old woman on the forehead and nestled soundlessly into her lap. She calmly picked it up and handed it to her daughter.


'Sorry, Ma,' she said, losing the American pretense and switching toMandarin.


'I have a big client in America. There have been a lot of problems.' The old lady nodded knowingly. Her daughter was big and important.


Bee Choo stared at her mother from the rear view mirror, wondering what she was thinking. Her mother's wrinkled countenance always carried the same cryptic look. The phone began to ring again, an artificially cheerful digital tune, which broke the awkward silence.


'Hello Beatrice! Yes, this is Elaine.'


Elaine. The old woman cringed. I didn't name her Elaine. She remembered her daughter telling her how an English name was very important for'networking', Chinese ones being easily forgotten.


'Oh no, I can't see you for lunch today. I have to take the Ancient Relic to the temple for her weird daily prayer ritual.'


Ancient Relic. The old woman understood perfectly it was referring to her.Her daughter always assumed that her mother's silence meant she did not comprehend. 'Yes, I know! My car seats will be reeking of joss sticks!'


The old woman pursed her lips tightly, her hands gripping her plastic bag in defence. The car curved smoothly into the temple courtyard. It looked almost garish next to the dull sheen of the ageing temple's roof. The old woman gotout of the back seat and made her unhurried way to the main hall. Her daughter stepped out of the car in her business suit and stilettos and reapplied her lipstick as she made her brisk way to her mother's side.


'Ma, I'll wait outside. I have an important phone call to make,' she said,not bothering to hide her disgust at the pungent fumes of incense.


The old lady hobbled into the temple hall and lit a joss stick. She knelt down solemnly and whispered her now-familiar daily prayer to the gods.


'Thank you, God of the Sky, you have given my daughter luck all these years.Everything I prayed for, you have given her. She has everything a young woman in this world could possibly want. She has a big house with a swimming pool, a maid to help her, as she is too clumsy to sew or cook. Her love life has been blessed; she is engaged to a rich and handsome angmoh (dialect forCaucasian man).


'Her company is now the top financial firm and even men listen to what she says. She lives the perfect life. You have given her everything except happiness.


'I ask that the gods be merciful to her even if she has lost her roots while reaping the harvest of success.


'What you see is not true, she is a filial daughter to me. She gives me aroom in her big house and provides well for me. She is rude to me only because I affect her happiness. A young woman does not want to be hindered by her old mother. It is my fault.'


The old lady prayed so hard that tears welled up in her eyes


Finally, with her head bowed in reverence, she planted the half-burnt jossstick into an urn of smouldering ashes. She bowed once more.


The old woman had been praying for her daughter for 32 years. When her abdomen was round like a melon, she came to the temple and prayed that itwas a son.


Then the time was ripe and the baby slipped out of her womb, bawling and adorable with fat thighs and pink cheeks, but unmistakably a girl.


Her husband had kicked and punched her for producing a useless baby who could not work or carry the family name.


Still, the woman returned to the temple with her new-born girl tied to her waist in a sarong and prayed that her daughter would grow up and haveeverything she ever wanted. Her husband left her and she prayed that herdaughter would never have to depend on a man.


She prayed every day that her daughter would be a great woman, the woman that she, meek and uneducated, could never become. A woman with nengkan; theability to do anything she set her mind to. A woman who commanded respect inthe hearts of men. When she opened her mouth to speak, precious pearls would fall out and men would listen.


She will not be like me, the woman prayed as she watched her daughter grow up and drift away from her, speaking a language she scarcely understood. She watched her daughter transform from a quiet girl, to one who openly defied her, calling her laotu (old-fashioned in Chinese). She wanted her mother tobe 'modern', a word so new there was no Chinese word for it.


Now her daughter was too clever for her and the old woman wondered why she had prayed like that. The gods had been faithful to her persistent prayer,but the wealth and success that poured forth so richly had buried the girl'sroots and now she stood, faceless, with no identity, bound to the soil ofher ancestors by only a string of origami banknotes.


Her daughter had forgotten her mother's values. Her wants were so ephemeral;that of a modern woman. Power, wealth, access to the best fashion boutiques,and yet her daughter had not found true happiness.


The old woman knew that you could find happiness with much less. When her daughter leaves the earth, everything she has will count for nothing. People would look to her legacy and say that she was a great woman, but she would be forgotten once the wind blows over, like the ashes of burnt paper convertibles and mansions.


The old woman wished she could go back and erase all her big hopes andprayers for her daughter; now she had only one want: that her daughter be happy. She looked out of the temple gate. She saw her daughter speaking onthe phone, her brow furrowed with anger and worry.


Being at the top is not good, the woman thought. There is only one way to go from there - down. The old woman carefully unfolded the plastic bag andspread out a packet of beehoon (rice vermicelli) in front of the altar.


Her daughter often mocked her for worshipping porcelain gods. How could she pray to them so faithfully and expect pieces of ceramic to fly to her aid?But her daughter had her own gods too - idols of wealth, success and powerthat she was enslaved to and worshipped every day of her life. Every day was a quest for the idols, and the idols she worshipped counted for nothing in eternity. All the wants her daughter had would slowly suck the life out ofher, and leave her an empty soulless shell at the altar.


The old lady watched her joss stick. The dull heat had left a teetering greystem that was on the danger of collapsing. Modern women nowadays, the old lady sighed in resignation, as she bowed to the east one final time to end her ritual. Modern women nowadays want so much that they lose their souls and wonder why they cannot find it.


Her joss stick disintegrated into a soft grey powder. She met her daughteroutside the temple, the same look of worry and frustration was etched on herdaughter's face. An empty expression, as if she was ploughing through thesoil of her wants looking for the one thing that would sow the seeds of happiness.


They climbed into the convertible in silence and her daughter drove along the highway, this time not as fast as she had done before.


'Ma,' Bee Choo finally said. 'I don't know how to put this. Mark and I have been talking about it and we plan to move out of the big house. The property market is good now, and we managed to find a buyer willing to pay seven million for it. We decided we'd prefer a cosier penthouse apartment instead.We found a perfect one in Orchard Road. Once we move in to our apartment, weplan to get rid of the maid, so we can have more space to ourselves...'


The old woman nodded knowingly.


Bee Choo swallowed hard. 'We'd get someone to come in to do the houseworkand we can eat out - but once the maid is gone, there won't be anyone to look after you. You will be awfully lonely at home and besides that, theapartment is rather small. There won't be space. We thought about it for along time, and we decided the best thing for you is if you moved to a home.There's one near Hougang, it's a Christian home, a very nice one.'


The old woman did not raise an eyebrow.


'I've been there, the matron is willing to take you in. It's beautiful with gardens and lots of old people to keep you company! I hardly have time foryou, you'd be happier there. You'd be happier there, really.' Her daughter repeated as if to affirm herself.


This time, the old woman had no plastic bag of food offerings to cling tightly to; she bit her lip and fastened her seat belt, as if it would protect her from a daughter who did not want her anymore. She sunk deep into the leather seat, letting her shoulders sag, and her fingers traced the white seat.


'Ma?' her daughter asked, searching the rear view mirror for her mother. 'Is everything okay?


What had to be done, had to be done. 'Yes,' she said firmly, louder than she intended. 'If it will make you happy,' she added more quietly.


'It's for you Ma! You'll be happier there. You can move there tomorrow. I already got the maid to pack your things,' Elaine said triumphantly, mentally ticking yet another item off her agenda.


'I knew everything would be fine.


'Elaine smiled widely; she felt liberated. Perhaps getting rid of her mother would make her happier. She had thought about it. It seemed the only hindrance in her pursuit of happiness. She was happy now.


She had everything a modern woman ever wanted: money, status, career, love,power and now, freedom, without her mother and her old-fashioned ways to weigh her down - yes, she was free.


Her phone buzzed urgently; she picked it up and read the message, stillbeaming from ear to ear. 'Stocks 10-per-cent increase!' Yes, things were definitely beginning to look up for her...


And while searching for the meaning of life in the luminance of her handphone screen, the old woman in the back seat became invisible, and she did not see the tears.

tania @ 11:14 PM | |

sometimes i come across as arrogant.


am i wearing shoes too big for myself?


sigh.


i was complaining abt my level 3000 m&o high growth entrepreneaur course in the car today on the way to the club... and my parents shot me down for not knowing where i stood in society.


"when you make it big, then u can talk and everyone will listen."


aren't i already big enough?! heaven forbid if i shld grow any bigger.


still. how can anyone take this lying down? the spastic moronic leacture thinks the world of himself. how can u teach entrepreneurship when u are a meeky mouse that is so inflexible? wait, how can u teach entrepreneurship, period?


fine. u can learn skills, but characteristics and traits are invarent. these are in born and inante abilities.


still... the idea of not having an exam and being graded on a project. so i've got to set up a real shop and sell real stuff or real services. and the stall has to be within all his given parameters, and meet all his requirements.


now. isn't the spirit of entrepreneurship being creative and thinking out of the box?


how am i supposed to be creative when u set such strict and rigid parameters for me? i can't bend those given rules, for fear of being marked down, (and trust me, i've been blacklisted already), so i can't and i repeat can't get out of the box.


u want me to be an entrepreneur? want me to think of the box?


wat box? why does there have to be a box. i say, the possibilites are endless. the sky's the limit!


and so wat alternative does the lecturer give? "if you don't feel comfortable with it, drop my course"


how creative.

tania @ 11:18 PM | |

i feel... alright


today was a full day... stayed home last night. wooHOO. amazing eh... finally cutting down now that school has started... bern called me in the afternoon to go velvet... and i did have like at least 5 hrs to get ready... but i decided. no more clubbing.


went with shawn to watch the spook show... it was... alright lar... i kinda felt like it was more for like little kids lar... even though the illusions were pretty ok. we sat very near the back, we came in late cos we had a pretty late lunch at la mian! haha... my fav!


i don't know how shawn felt abt the show... hum... it seemed pretty weird bringing him to the show and showing him the other side of me. oh well... at least he didn't feel uncomfortable or anything. it's more an experience and well... it's been a long time since i brought someone to an evangalistic event... it even seems weird.


anyway, met vishal for dinner at one fullerton. had dinner at black angus. it was pretty alright food. we were just catching up and joking and yea... but he shld really get a fashion consultant or something... eyerrrr... but oh well... it was nice to catch up with him at dinner and all... nice. had a semi pint of tiger. yucks.


then engyee came and picked me up and i went down to walas with the guys. hung around till luyi and fred came over.


it seems like fred has got alot going on for him. i'm happy that he's out of the army, and we can finally meet in the afternoons! haha... we just sat at coffee bean and chatted... it's nice lar...


if you told me when i was a 12yr old geeky primary 6 girl, that 10 years on, i'll be gd friends with this even more geeky and moley character... i might have flipped.


but yes, it's been almost 10 yrs since i left pri school... but i've know fred longer. though i only recently found out abt his hand-in-mouth trick.


but we were so diff back then! it's hard to imagine that we wld have weekly coffee sessions, 95% of the time bitching abt a certain overly jealous and paranoid and psychotic EXGF.


we'll come a long way.


"luyi?! u hang out with her?" yes, i do.


even though we never talked in mg, it's amazing what nj does to u. yes, the ac/mg people stuck together... or maybe it was just the kang tang people... and i just swimming did play a factor as well...


but being the very few mg girls in red blazers on our founder's day... i guess we stuck through. and i just found out that she's leaving in 3 weeks!! bah!! i've got no friends!


it's ok. school has started. time to mugg again... urgh... time to get CAP 5! think it might just be easier to buy 5 CAPs

tania @ 2:32 AM | |

do i feel old?


i looked around the canteen for a familiar face. all i saw, was us... the smoking gang.


the new freshies look... like freshies do. the girls? ridiculously made up. it's school for goodness sake, not zouk. the guys? almost all had dyed hair, as if a defiant declaration that they've come of age, having just ORD-ed.


wanted to play spot the freshies contest as we do every year... but nah, we have grown up.


how was my first day?


dragged my ass back to school, back into LT11... sat through a really boring lecture, with the lecture the same age as my grandmother. gosh. she was boring man. money and banking. damn it. boring. i'm so glad that at least robby is with me.


does being year 3 make me old? or matured?


am i automatically a senior cos i've been fighting aNUS for 2 yrs and still am? or is it cos i know which shuttle bus to take, where the toilets are, where the lectures and tutorial rms are, or which stall serves the best canteen food?


sigh... this is the last yr... last time to give nus wat i've got (left). to make it big in the financial world and come back and puke on nus bizad ground for rejecting me 4 times.


oh oh oh


i finally got my fna1002!! woohoo... i think the pts were something like 800+ but oh well, i got it!!! yippi!!!!


so now i'm on track. 5 mods this sem. woohoo.


let's get ready to run, and my eyes never leaving the prize.

tania @ 9:21 PM | |

it's back to school tom.


urgh... don't even get me started on how horrible i'm feeling now. gosh. am i really yr 3? sigh... in another 10 months or so, i'll be a grad, yup... no more under the table, but a grauate.


sigh... money and banking class tom at 10am. urgh... why oh why...


sigh... ok, done a mask, read my notes... now... off to bed...


need all the sleep i can get to conqueer the day ahead... yawn...


new day, new year...

tania @ 11:56 PM | |

this weekend has gone by so fast!!!


or that my holiday has flown by!!!


school starts tom!! wtf.


let's see what i've done over the weekend...


went ktv with church people after service on sat... haha... first time i actually went to ktv man!!! it was pretty cool lar... haha... but everyone sing chinese song man!! haha... and jerry can actually sing man!! wooHOO... rui's voice is super sweet and nice man.... angie voice i've heard before... but oh well.. the rest alright lar...


but it was really fun! haha... i can't believe that this the group of friends that i'm going to grow old with... those that i'm going to serve in ministry with. this is amazing. our kids are going to get together in the future man!


cat and walter, rui and engee, angie and alvin... haha... me and ...? hahaha... no way man... i'm SBC, and proud of it!! haha...


after ktv, went out with ramesh to watch the village. IT SUCKS. enuff said. it's the most retarded show i ever watched, or rather it ranks pretty high up there with the waste of money catergory... haha... oh well....


sun had SOL... almost cldn't wake up man. urgh. but then got a combine lunch later so really had to go... ok lor... guess it's good that i've got to go for equipping to grow and learn... hopefully i'm starting to get back on my way with God.


had lunch @ fish and co with all the girls. and we had a colour code today, PINK!! haha... we were pretty in pink man!!


dinner was at swisstol, vic's 21st bday! haha... can't believe that it's been 9 yrs since i've known that crazy girl, but i'm thankful that we've been friends for like ever!!


had the most obnoxious taxi driver on the way there. don't even get me started on how i wanted to punch the moron. urgh. and it was a really really bad traffic jam man! it was ridiculous man!! haha...


and today?! i'm just lazying around, getting ready for school... cleaning my table, and it's so freaking messy man! that's disgusting!!! oh well...


can't believe that school is starting!!! urgh urgh...


can't i just live with my parents and bum off them?! haha

tania @ 1:59 PM | |

i'm not going to club anymore.


school is starting and i went for my final bang last night.


i was supposed to be good and stay at home to rest. i had plans to just catch up on my reading.


then shiqi called, "i'm back! let's go velvet. bern and alex are going."


so after some persuation, i went. damn... i'm feeling like crap now. shldn't have drunk so much man... grr...


but last night it seems like the whole of DB was there. it was amazing. i saw so many familiar faces, and it seems like i never left. tian, aijaz, kimmy kim, kyoo hwa, rick, byran, alex, bern, vishal, jeanna, and alot of others that i just can't remember the name.


the music and crowd sucked, but it was nice to catch up with these people. and i had a really nice time talking to tian. i must admit, i am attracted to his kind. slurp. and he's actually very tall too! haha... i was wearing my 3 inch heels and he was still pretty much taller man!


we were all basically joking around and kidding and making fun of everyone. but... BUT... after tian's long island tea and tequila shot... that was it man.


this started the whole bern, ah kee, bryan and my outburst. hahaa... it was really funny. i think i was pretty loud, but oh well... once in a while only right.


bern saw me back, and it was pretty nice in the cab. we were just talking and laughing. very stress reliever~*~


jeff was there too. and to some extent, i don't think i recognise him. he came with alex, and since i saw alex, where was jeff? i didn't wanna ask... but a part of me really wanted to see him again, and yet the other half wanted to kick him.


sigh...


but this shall be my last time clubbing in a while. with exceptions of the occasional friends' bdays which i have to show face.


yes, it's time to start school. it's time to be the 20 yr old that i am.


no more, no less.

tania @ 2:27 PM | |

Cannonball


Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on


Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on


Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball


Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on


Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon


Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

tania @ 1:41 AM | |

i just watched the brotherhood.


wat kind i say? guess it was korea's attempt of saving ryan's privates... but honestly, it was pretty alright.


that's if u like sitting through a 2.5hr show with 2hr of gory gunfire, bomb blasts and alot and i repeat alot of blood.


i guess i can't compare it fully with private ryan's savings cos i didn't watch it in a theatre. yes, it was NC16 and i just wasn't that old. so i sneakly watched the vcd and i guess it just doesn't do it justice.


but after watching all the war and gore, i don't think i can still fully understand the extent of which our guys friends go through in NS. i mean, it's all fine if they're just enlisting in for 2.5 yrs to train. but wat happens if the malaysian's suddenly attacked? or if we're under a terrorist attack or another communist rule? wat if a real war actually broke out and our men - our fathers, brothers, friends had to fight? wld this show really be a prequal to wat wld happen if war broke out?


then again, this was during the 1950s when they fought with tin can helmets. i guess war now adays would be biological warfare.


but yet, as i look at the 2 brothers that faught side by side, and the comarade that they share with the rest of the platoon... all the times i''ve struggle to understand why my dad still keep goes out with his army buddies, or that kc had a higher place for his men than me, or that some of my uni guy friends are as close as brothers... this show explains a little.


not that i can fully understand, but at least, i'm more acceptive.


the mentality that i can replace any of their brothers is wrong. i've not sat on a hill in brunei and smoked grass with them, or have i scrubbed the toilet floor with a toothbrush together, or have i ever got lost in the jungle with only my buddy , and neither have i looked for 3 fugitives that swam over from JB. nope.


none checked on my list.


that's why, no matter how i feel it or see it, the guys can't treat me like i'm a brother.


they can't.


cos i've not been enlisted.

tania @ 6:05 PM | |

i am angry.


how can i not get my FNA1002?!!! damn it!


firstly, nus system sucks. i don't understand how can anyone bid 2000+ points for a module when i'm only given 800?!!! this is utterly ridiculous. honestly. how can anyone and i say again, anyone have so many pts?


this is on the reasoning that i'm bidding from my general account and not from my programe account. it's just not fair how some people can have so many pts to bid. this is truely a "spoil-market" situation.


i'm angry. i'm pissed.


so now i'm stuck with 4 modules, out of which, 3 are my core, and only 1 is a UE. damn it. am i going to be forced to take some retarded ïntroduction to computing"or "general bio"? damn it.


i really need to take this financial accounting cos... i need to fulfil 3 more UE, and AND there are no other bizad modules that i can take!! all of which needs a pre-re-q of FNA1002!!! damn damn damn screwed system.


URGH


~*( oh, on a side note, this is my 100 entry for this blog! woohoo! )*~

tania @ 6:56 PM | |

it seems like i've not blogged in ages.


yet, on checking, it's only been a day. hum...


well, my lappie's reformatting, and right now is still not really cleaned up yet, but i'm still using it. hum... not sure whether that's gd or not.


who cares.


today was at sentosa with addy. gosh. the weather was REALLY good man. there were clouds, but there was sunshine the whole time! yippie! this was it...


time to get the tann that never came. i'm tanner, yes, but not black. a far cry from the blackness i was in sec school and in jc. anyone who knew me then will be nodding now. hum...


there were some eye candy at sentosa. whoopi. and the standard of their body is really not bad one lor. haha... compared to mine... urgh... but oh well... at least i wore the new bikini of mine that i got at bkk. haha... nice. VERY nice. if only i had a nice flat tummy to match.


super tired man. i dunno wat's with basking in the sun. i basically don't do anything. just turning over every 15 minutes and i'm tired. gosh. i'm a pig.


a roasted suckling pig. haha


soon ann and guys are at paluna's now... damn. i'm just too tired to go.


yawn.

tania @ 9:32 PM | |

had loads of fun at baker's inn today.


it's amazing that i've been there for a year and this is the first time the guys and the girls went out.


guess it was a table of rejects, everyone with diff problems and well... let's just say that we all have broken almost all the laws of intimacy...


haha. and i'm still wondering wat's the diff between touch and fondle?!!!! haha...



jerry da man!



angie and i

tania @ 5:55 PM | |

had dinner at koko's place today.


it seems weird that i've been logger heads with my cousin. we were like sworn enemies, and we'll always fight when we meet during chinese new year. hum...


we have grown.


more ways than one...


anyway, it seems that the less time we spend together, the more the 2 families cherish it. it's been li lin on their side and ren on our side in uk, that has prob bonded the mothers together... golf has made the dad's closer, and well... lex and ting are getting along pretty fine.


me? where do i fit in? well, i'm somehow entangled in the strange renyi-sarah-li lin web. haha... but it's weird though, cos renyi and i aren't close anymore. heck, we don't even talk!


yet, everytime we get together, renyi/sarah seem to be a very hot topic of discussion.


oh well. i'm going notts to see luyi and robin hood. ain't getting any sugar from renyi. nope nope.


i enjoy the times that my cousins and i spend together. koko remarked that it's going to be harder to get everyone to sit down for a meal from now on. that's true...


but hey, i made the effort to have dinner tonight. i missed jess's bday bbq, and i missed out a chance to get some bks from luyi. sigh... as long as u make the effort...


...we cld still have dinner.


maybe with 3 extra visitors in time to come!

tania @ 12:38 AM | |