Friday, April 16, 2004
"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."
- John 8:12
"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
-Matthew 5:14
these words resound in my head as a reflect upon the blackout that hit me on tuesday.
i was studying and the light flickered, and then it went out. i blinked as i adjusted to the sudden darkness. crap. my exam's tomorrow. i surried to find my hp to have some light. luckily i charged my hp before. urgh.
lit one tea candle and sat it on my table. even though i paniced and didn't know wat to do, there was a subconscious part of me thinking through this, and evalutating it.
we all need the light. without it we're helpless. and yet, i've been so comforatble that i take it for granted. and reflecting on it, i realised that i've been walking in darkness all my life. it was only when i accept the Lord that i started walking with a candle in the darkness.
even so, i wasn't a very good christian. yes, i admit that i was one of those sunday christians. those that proclaim that their christians, and yet my actions proved otherwised. i'll smoke, i'll drink, i'll do things that i shudder to think abt. and on sunday, i'll just be this holy person for 2 hrs in church.
that wasn't the way.
being a christian ain't abt giving the option of switching on a switch when i want the light. it's abt being one of those energiser batteries that never die. when Christ is in me, i illuminate cos He shines within me.
this i'm starting to learn.
i'm on my way back to coming right with God. even though i've been a christian for the better part of my life, i've only been serious abt it since last year. and even so, serious means going to cell and church. right now, i'm seeking. seeking to know God on a more personal level, breaking down my walls and barriers that i've put up against the outside world so that none can hurt me. seeking for the joy of the Lord so that i can face the challanges of the world. seeking for His spirit to enable me to go through each day, fighting for His word, fighting to do wat's right.
walking from mum's room to my room, that little candle in my room illuminated so brightly that i can't mistake it. it guided my way, let me see in the dark. and i guess in that way, Jesus is the truth and the light. i'm drawn to Him because He will give me sight. sight to see things on a more vertical dimension rather than a horizontal dimension. to connect with the spiritual realm rather than the earthy one.
still, my walk as a christian is a rocky one. one that i'm so tempted to throw away and lead the life as a non-believer cos it's not an easy path to take. why rather live by rules set by the scripture when i can make my own rules, live by my own plan? wldn't life be easier and more fun? rather than think abt the consequernces or WWJD before doing something, why cant i just go ahead and do it?
but i can't walk away. He won't let me. He loves me too much to forsake me. He did die the most humiliating death for me and how can i ever forget that? i can't forget the reality of God in my life. i can't forget the many times when i was weak and i fell down and cried before the Lord and He picked me up. i can't forget the times when i went through trials after trials, and the Lord never stopped holding my hand. i can't forget the blessings that He's given, even though i'm not deserving.
there are many things that i'm thankful and grateful for. His love, His forgiveness, His strength and wisdom. How can i ever walk away again?
it's not that i can't.
it's that i won't.
