Saturday, March 12, 2005
i'm having problems sleeping at night. been contemplating taking sleeping pills, but i really don't think that's a gd idea. besides, then i wld have to go and get a prescriptions, and then u know the idiot doc will just squint and look at me and wonder whether i have any suicidal tendencies.
oh well.
i think it's cos i have too many things going on in my mind at this pt of time. i shut all my thoughts out of my brain when i'm doing work, that means when i'm studying or i'm trying to think anayltically (yea, when does that EVER happen right)... but the minute i lie down on my bed and want to sleep, then the thoughts just come.
the thoughts come fast and furious, as if rebelling that i pushed it to the back of my mind. it's all ramdom thoughts, and i can suddenly switch topics without even linking the past and the present one. maybe that's the kind of person i am. i am a confused, messed up kind.
i only think abt these things before i go to bed. maybe that's the time when my mind is empty, and then the thoughts can come in. maybe i am going crazy.
maybe i'm becoming the next john nash, less the nobel prize of course... maybe i live in 2 seperate lives, one in my fantasy, and the other wat i think reality is... of course, living in reality is totally not an option for me. i'll go mad.
living in reality wld mean facing up to things that i've done, things that i cldn't do, and things that pple have done to me. i built walls around myself not to get hurt, fantasies to live in so that i won't go out of my mind, and habits, just to make each day easy to pass by.
or maybe i'm ally mcbeal. minus the anorexia (d'uh!) and the dancing babies. my biological clock ain't ticking that fast.
sigh. maybe i'm just living a dream... and one day i'll wake up and find myself a secret agent for the govt trying to crack codes using my mathemtical formulas... or maybe i'm actually a vampire slayer, and i've got angel as my bf... david borenaz... *drools*
or maybe i'm just plain out of my mind.
