Wednesday, June 09, 2004
i should have known better.
apparently that's what he thought. wat kind of a sentence is that? that's crude. that's horrid. how was i supposed to know better? how can u treat me this way?
i told myself that i didn't want to lose u as a friend. i told myself that i can't take another kc. i told myself that our friendship meant more than anything in the world. was i blinded? blinded because you're been my friend since i learnt to cry? been there for me since forever? did i trust u too easily? but how cld i, when the trust i had for u was built up over years?! ...
i'm speachless on how u cld have said those words. i'm seeing a new side of u, but it's not as if i've never seen it before. but i just never expected that it wld be to me. how cld u treat me this way? so i was really for fun. how was i supposed to know it was a game? was it obvious? did u give me the secret wink that i missed? how can u play with me and chuck me aside? ...like i mean nothing.
hearing those words... it stabbed. everything stood still. the words resounded and reverberated. it echoed through my mind and every syallble hit a new nerve. it hurt, no doubt. and i nearly teared.
now i'm sitting at my comp... staring at the screen, thinking of the past things that we have done. those moments when i had to think of wat was going through his mind, wat cards he was playing... was it all a front? i can't believe i was game.
this isn't a game.
i hate games. maybe cos my psychomotor isn't very good. i don't catch balls easily. i'm not good at stick games either. court games? nah, not my type. wet games? been doing that for eons until i'm bored.
maybe there's a high correlation between these stuff.
i'm sure the pain will go away. it smarts. but i know it will go away. but this just leaves me to reflect on myself. did i actually throw myself at him? did i let him think less of me? did i have a part to play in this game? or maybe i just didn't have good cards to begin with. i shldn't have shown hands.
i'm listening to the radio now. there's this song with the guitar and some guy singing. he sounds like how ry wld sound like. i miss his voice. i miss his ellloooo. i miss the retarded things that he wld say, and the way he wld cheer me up.
when people bully me, i know where i shld go. i know who wld be there to cheer me up, to be two steps in front and a step behind at the same time. but when that person is the bully... who do i turn to? who do i have left?
~*~
i look back at my entries, and this was exactly on the same date, and amazingly the same time. *gasp* i'm not kidding. shit. it's a tueday too.
~*~
tuesday 9th march 2004
came back, called ry at night and cried to him. he just listened patiently, tried to consol me and then played me a song on his guitar... yay.
Man of the Hour
Tidal waves don’t beg forgiveness
Crashed and on their way
Father he enjoyed collisions; others walked away
A snowflake falls in may.
And the doors are open now as the bells are ringing out
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.
Nature has its own religion; gospel from the land
Father ruled by long division, young men they pretend
Old men comprehend.
And the sky breaks at dawn; shedding light upon this town
They’ll all come ‘round
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.
And the road
The old man paved
The broken seams along the way
The rusted signs, left just for me
He was guiding me, love, his own way
Now the man of the hour is taking his final bow
As the curtain comes down
I feel that this is just goodbye for now.
He has such a nice voice. the minute he stummed, sang... i stopped crying...just listened to him... i think i'm honestly falling for him... and i can't help it...
~*~
he used to dry my tears. now he makes me cry...
