Thursday, January 13, 2005
it seemed weird.
today as i sat opposite u, we had nothing to talk about, with akward silences and glances towards the sky... i guess we always had something to talk abt, work, dr tan... or just bitching abt the office people...
but today was just ... akward. maybe it was me... or maybe it was just that we were tired. he had a long day, and i was running all over the place... well...
or maybe we just never had anything in common in the first place. we were always more relaxed in balas or at clubs or supper or the taxi home... the silence we shared was always masked with the loud jarring club music, or the drinking games, or the just, "i'm sieeee" quiet...
well, it's different u know, if i go out with addy or with ah koh, the silence is ok cos we are so comfortable with each other... there's no akwardness wat-so-ever...
sigh... don't think i'll be going out with him any time soon.
soon ann just asked me why i wasn't attached...
cos guys are jerks. period. i've not met one guy that hasn't brought me to cloud 9 just to throw me down just as soon. i've suffered heartbreaks more than i shld have and i just don't want to put myself out in that position again.
i've tried making the first move, and look where that landed me... has that been a year ago?! i took a gamble with the friendship i had with him, and i lost. i lost a friend, i lost a buddy. damn thailand.
i've tried being faithful, giving him everything he wanted... even the fun he wanted outside... i took him back again and again, until i just stopped crying for him... i lived in my deluded bubble, and yet, he still has a hold over me... damn japan.
i've tried just working at a relationship, but was just turned away. cheated, used, discarded. damn taiwan.
so yes, i've had my fair share of misses and hits. but i never really felt that i wanted to be with someone... i always had some guy in my life, even if their manhood is challangened by sexy g-strings and they're metrosexuality.
so why can't i be self sufficient? why can't i depend on myself? why am i only considered a whole if i'm a part of something?
guess i'll start settling down and/or hitting the panic button in 2-3 years time... but not yet... i still wanna have fun.
still looking
still breathing
