Tuesday, July 20, 2004
can't believe that i've not blogged for ages. that's it. no more complains of no time, too tired, too lazy, or wat nots. this is it. i shall attempt to write the longest blog i've ever written.
the past week...
this was my last week @ db. sigh... it was really frantically trying to tie up the lose ends of my project and trying to get my presentation in act. i stayed back in the office on wed tuesday until midnight! talked to basically everyone that i could find to get feedback on my project/presentation. tien told me nicely that it was crap. paul chen just irritated me when he passes rude comments when he passes my table. wtf. that guy shld get a pet or something. bernard said it was alright, and he gave me tips on how to handle some of the panelist and their expected kind of questions.
talked to vishal from 8 to like midnight. seriously as much as he irritates me ( in a gd way of course), i've actually grown fond of that guy. dude, he smokes and drinks so much that it's ridiculous, and yet, when he starts talking abt the markets and financial historical background, he has so much to say that i don't know. guess i can't judge a guy by the cloud of smoke that bubbles him. he really helped me alot and gave me alot of pointers. i appreciated that man.
i think that my time @ db has made me foster some friendships that i know i will keep. other than that, i made some really good contacts. these are the people that i know have the power to pull strings and get me at least an interview somewhere next year when i need help.
buck has really been encouraging me and "showering" me with "praises". i guess he's approval counts to me, cos he's really high up and he's the one that actually got me through this internship. he was the final panelist for my interview and he let me through. i needed to know y.
through out the 10 weeks here, he never said anything. he refused in fact. but as my time got nearer and nearer the end of my 10 weeks there, he told me more and more on y they hired me. they saw potential and wat i lacked in academics, i made up with my personality. so i guess that's a gd thing eh? he said, "u're only abit rookie, and lack confidence, but that will be built up, u'll be fine."
every single day, i'll literally get crap from every single person, and talking to buck really makes me feel better. my spirits are uplifted when he engages me in really mind stimulating and intriging conversation. exercising my intellect. on the last day, he finally told me why. they said that i had a strong spirit, and that i'm not one to take shit lying down. i'm a fighter and a believer in wat i profess. he said that he liked wat he saw these past 10 weeks, and will speak to the senior panel on my offer status.
y?
cos i bombed out on my presentation.
it was so horrible it's not even funny. i'm not sure whether to be thankful for a fast death, or wld i rather a slow and torturous skinning of me. hum... ponder ponder.
~*~
the moment of truth
my stomach churned so bad in the morning of the presentation. i've never felt that way b4 anything in a long time. not at exams, not at results, not when i know a r/ship ending. the last time i felt like that was standing at toa payoh swimming complex, looking at the crowd of people. the screams and shouts fade in the background as i take my place behind the standing board. i'm in the zone. psyching myself up for the race. my heart is threatening to do a false start. that was how i felt. i kept telling myself to keep my eye on the finishing line, to be calm. i said a little prayer, and sang abit, but God knows that i'm not the exact saint at this moment. so i felt guilty.
it was a fast death.
i came out and walked to my desk in silence. i did a mental check of the trading floor. a photograhic image registered in my mind. this is my last look at it. chris saw my face and said, that bad ar? ... don't cry. and aurelius came over and asked how it went. then paul with the booming voice came over and asked. at that pt i knew that i had to leave. i went behind closed doors and cried. it was horrible. i let myself down, i let my chance at this career go.
as much as i'll like to sulk around and mope, i can't. i can't be crying at my desk, exposing my weak and fragile nature. i needed to put on my strong face. i'm strong. i'm hard. building my walls up again.
shawn and i took a long break at starbucks. we were discussing abt employment at JP. heard that barclays is hiring. nice.
~*~
farewell drinks at balacalvas @ suntec
it was a nice change from palauna's. really enjoyed just chilling with some of the guys. hanging out and not talking abt work.
until bryan turned to me, "u weren't very interested in your project eh?"
it's like being splashed with cold water while having sex. yes. that was the feeling. not that i've experienced it, but i'm sure that's how it wld have felt. will update when and if i experience it later in life. :D
but i did have fun. took lots of photos. will upload some later.
went down wala wala to find luyi later. the band was pretty gd, though i sat at a weird angle so oh well... it's abit too loud for my liking, but i think i might go back again. oh, and the "bouncer" is disgusting. and moronic as well.
supper @ newton with hanson and friend followed.
~*~
friday @ db
it's weird waking up for work when u know it's ur last day. this is my last EVER day at db.
went around the day as usual. got coffee, talk to buck, get irritated with vishal... same things.
we had an early lunch and went down bloomberg for classes. daniel is being irritating cos he doesn't want to convert our db accounts! crap. oh well...
anyway, aurelius and i went around looking for presents for the guys. after walking ALL and i really mean ALL over, we finally got them stress balls in the shape of a yellow smiley face. that was pretty cute. and they all liked it, cos according to aurelius, it felt like something. hum...
went around and said my goodbyes. it seemed so superficial to go around and "thanks, bye", but i did anyway. got a few well wishes and stuff. but mainly it's all cock lar. the main people i cared abt, i wrote them individual cards to thank them. more personalised.
i'm tired. will continue again tom.
this is really a long blog.
